sWell (shakewell) wrote,

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so this anniversary business (and a lovely icq conversation with jess) brought up some interesting thoughts on commitment.

jessica bladen: wow. 25 years. that's a long time. and unusual. very. that actually explains a lot. about you. cuz no one could ever understand why you wanted commitment so bad. but then again. not many of us were raised around it. not like that.

now, i think it's safe to say that my reasons for wanting commitment have absolutely nothing to do with my parents. i've been hoping they would divorce since i can remember.

i want commitment because i don't want to be alone. because i do want kids and i think it's extremely important that their father be around to raise them. because it's the social norm. because i want to have a romantic wedding. because i want to have someone who knows me better than i know myself and loves me anyway.

now, it was my understanding that abandonment issues (like those jess won't shut up about) would cause a greater need for co-dependency. maybe i'm wrong about that. i know i don't want to be alone because i've felt like i was alone for a long time. makes sense to me. so anyway, i guess i always thought that, while they might have a lot of trust issues to deal with before jumping into marriage, kids from broken homes would actually want to find a partner the could trust for the long haul and stay married to. they would want to become something different than their parents had been.

i could see them throwing a lot of good things away because of those trust issues. but i still think deep down that everyone wants commitment and no one wants to be alone for the rest of their life.

now jess said she never wanted commitment before ayden came along, yet she always knew she wanted to have kids. do people actually set out in life to be single parents? that boggles my mind. how can you want kids, but not want a family?

apparently, everyone from the gang made fun of me for wanting commitment from joe? i'm confused by this too. keri talks about marriage. phil and amber talk about marriage and kids. and ben and jess had a kid on the way at that time.

it's not like i wanted to go out and get married back then. i just wanted to know if his life and my life were headed in the same direction so i wouldn't be wasting my time on something that would never work out. i never planned on getting married until after i graduate. and i certainly never planned on having kids until after i was married.

but i guess somehow it's better to not have a plan and ruin four lives at once?

anyway, i am so glad i discovered the differences between joe and i before we did get committed. wouldn't it have been awful if jess found out ben didn't want kids or didn't want to marry her after she got knocked up? and poor amber wants to have kids, but phil doesn't. isn't that just a sad waste of time or loss for her? that's why i can't understand how people can just walk through life without any sort of plan.

to each his own though. i'm happy with my life and that's all i really care about.

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