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reflections on the last year

"the funny thing is that we were a lot better at the being mean part."

that's not really something i want to say when i'm 22 years old. it just seems so pathetic to me.

i used to hope that she would change after all of this. well, she has. but it has been for the worse, not the better. i did not think it would be possible for her to act more immature than she already was, but there she is.

i think that i learn a lot, even from bad situations. my break up with joe was probably the most enlightening experience i've ever had (and still continues to educate me now). i'm a better person for having made it through that hardship. i may not be a nice or as giving, but i am stronger and more independent.

this whole experience with amber has been very educational too. i've learned that i can't help every person in my life, especially if they don't want to change. i've seen that dark, hateful, hurtful side of people that i really hadn't seen since fourth grade at eggleston. i saw it coming too, before our falling out. but i just had more faith in amber's maturity than she apparently deserved.

i've certainly learned not to trust people who aren't reciprocating friendship. no matter how badly i want to get something off my chest, the anxiety from holding it inside will be much less uncomfortable than the hurt from having it used against or someone i care about.

i can't believe amber dragged stew into this with that fucked up comment she made. (the funny thing is, after 3 years and countless heart-to-hearts, amber still has no idea that i was in the hospital myself). she only met him once, and he was respectful then and remained respectful by staying out of the livejournal drama. but she doesn't think about things like that.

we've all heard that cutting people down makes bullies feel better about themselves, but it also makes them out to be an ass hole, jerk bitch, whatever in everyone else's eyes. don't they see that? of course, all those other ignorant jerks will admire you and that's where keri, jess and jaymie come in. if i cared at all about any of those girls anymore, i would be sad for them. but i just keep thinking that they deserve each other. they'll turn on one another again before you know it. and i can be feel good knowing that i wasn't stupid or needy enough to dive head first into that mess like they did.

i really wish jess would just stay out of all this--not that i mind making her look foolish all the time. it just sucks losing my friendship with ben. by allowing his fiancee to make those wild, unjustified accusations and hurl those insults at me without standing up for me, he's shown me that he either agrees with what she says or doesn't care enough about me as a person to make a stand. i know for a fact that he doesn't feel that way about it; he just doesn't want to be put in the middle. he said he wouldn't stand up for jess against anything i had to say about her. but when amber and phil talked shit about jess, ben put himself in the middle right quick. now, jess is the mother of ben's children and i don't expect him to do more for me than he would for her, but he continues to assert that i'm like family to him. well, i don't let people say those things about my family and get away with it. neither would ben.

so it's all talk. i'm not family. i may be a friend. really, i'm here if you need me. i'll send birthday cards and christmas care packages. i won't be at your wedding. i'll probably never see baby #2 in person, unless i run into the cow at wal-mart. i probably won't even be at your funeral unless jess dies first. even then, i'm not a funeral kind of girl. but if your car broke down, i'd be there. i'd pick you up from the airport or have lunch while you were in town. etc. etc. etc. but it's all just superficial now. i don't really need innocent bystanders in my life, i need active participants.

you could say i've lost a lot of friends in the last year, but i haven't really. i'm just ditching dead weight. all these people were holding me back. i couldn't do or say the things i wanted. i couldn't go to the places i wanted without them dragging me back. i couldn't even be the person i really was, because it's not who they wanted me to be. the whole time, i was so afraid of losing them all and ending up alone. but i feel so much better now. there's no pressure and no anxiety. there's no fear. i'm so happy with who i am, where i am and where i am going. and i'm not alone. sure, sometimes i'm lonely, but i'm never alone.

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