sWell (shakewell) wrote,
sWell
shakewell

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i think i broke my funny bone

i'd say 90% of things i say/do/write to be funny are taken as insults.

and, in addition, i still can't take a joke.

so, it's a pretty humorless life i lead. oh well, at least people still think my depression is amusing. great.

this came up over some comments between amber and i in jess's LJ.

when i formulated the comment i hoped amber would respond with something like "haha. oh silly me." (i'm exaggerating, but you catch my drift.)

afterward i figured it would go something like "songs are poems too, idiot!"

but it ended up as "did i ever say it was a poem? i listen to ben harper, but the lyrics are good and i was just saying that yes i like to read something nice and not bitching!"

so, i give up. there are so many people that i seem to constantly miscommunicate with, that i don't think i'll even bother trying to communicate with them anymore. besides, despite what she says, it doesn't seem to me that amber is at all over those feelings of hurt and anger toward me.

you know what else i love? when people who vehemently defend their right to write whatever they please in their journal without wanting to face the disapproval of others end up judging me. i guess it's one of those "you can dish it, but you can't take it" situations.

i know a lot of what i write is negative. i could say it's because i'm depressed a lot or whatever, but that's not the real reason. i could say it's because inane posts about what i did that day are just pointless and annoying (and they are!), but that's not the reason either.

it's just that when things are good, i'd much rather be out enjoying and living my life than documenting it.

you know, the whole reason i even started journaling at all was to document my depression. i had this hypothesis that it was cyclical and i was right. now when i'm down i can go back and look at past entries and realizes that the same situations will always set me off at the same times. so, in general, it's not the situation that's fucked up, it's just me and my reaction to it. also, i like to read those down times when i'm feeling good to see what it is that bothers me so much. i can pinpoint the things that were bothering me and work to improve them and avoid those problems in the future.

and i used to enjoy the prospect of publicly journaling this type of sensitive information because it was an opportunity for my friends and family to know how i was feeling. up until joe and i broke up, i was COMPLETELY unable to communicate feelings of sadness, loneliness or desperation. i was always fine. everything was always good. so, for a long time, those feelings had to manifest themselves physically before anyone would know things weren't ok with me.

so, journals gave people an opportunity to head me off at the pass, so to speak. and recently, they've also given people the opportunity to push me over the edge. i can't imagine the kind of sick gratification people get from watching me suffer at their hands. it's twisted. but that's life. thankfully, i'm stronger now and not everyone has the power to hurt me so deeply.
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