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beautiful day

it's been a long time since i've gotten out to enjoy such a wonderful day. i'm tempted to just lie in the sun and just soak it all in--to forget about everything and everyone and just enjoy myself. it's days like today that make me sorry i don't still live in madison. clifty falls was just the best place to go in this fabulous weather. i used to ride my bike across town, neglect the toll at the pedestrian entrance and then just breeze through the park. climbing those hills was exhausting work but the downward coast was exhilarating. at times it really felt like flying. and i loved the way the rays of sun shot through the trees and as i sped down the hills i would flicker in and out of blindness from the bright shafts of light. sometimes, i'd park my bike and hike down to the creek bed. under the falls that fine february mist would rise up and cool me off.

sometimes, i have the moments of clarity where i either feel like an integral part of the world around me or i realize that there are billions of lives and things going on around me that i have absolutely nothing to do with. they are two opposite realizations, but both seem to serve the same purpose for me--to remind me that there are other things in this world (in my realm of existence) that aren't the things disappointing me everyday. i wish that i could remember that everyday.

i wish that i could make other people happy, fix things, fix people, make the world fair and just. but i guess that i just can't. that's too much for someone as weak as me to accomplish in one lifetime (have i told you about my personal philosophy regarding karma and reincarnation?). i will be lucky if can make one other person happy in this lifetime. so, i guess it's time to be selfish, time to forget the foolish notion that making everyone else happy will make me happy by proxy. i'm not going to put up with the bullshit anymore. i'm going to tell 100% of the truth 100% of the time. my needs for survival (and perhaps contentment) will come before anyone else's needs of satisfaction. i will not seek approval from other people. i will not let their opinions of me have power or influence over my life.

it's not my job to make my acquaintances into decent human beings; it my job to appreciate those people that treat me well and ignore those who do not. i cannot undo 20-some years of selfish, illogical attitudes and i should not have to.

i know that i'm a good person and i feel good with that knowledge. so that's it. i feel good. end of story.


( 9 comments — Say Something )
Feb. 28th, 2004 01:36 pm (UTC)
oh yeah.
The weather has been marvelous thus far this week. Winter is almost completely gone. I love Spring so much.

You are also right in that you can't make everybody else happy. Its something I would like to do myself, but you can only reach so far. I know you do, though, influence people and affect them in a positive way. You do make people happy. I, and many others, are always happy to be around you......so you are very correct that you are a good person.
Feb. 28th, 2004 11:26 pm (UTC)
you really make me happy
thanks for letting me know. i like these reminders. =)
Feb. 28th, 2004 10:18 pm (UTC)
that is a very well written post
Feb. 28th, 2004 11:26 pm (UTC)
thank you.
Feb. 28th, 2004 11:32 pm (UTC)
Re: =)
very articulate, i enjoyed it
Feb. 29th, 2004 04:35 am (UTC)
" You can try your hardest, you can do everything & say anything, but sometimes people just arent worth trying over anymore, they arent worth worrying about, its important to know when to let go of someone who only brings you down."
Feb. 29th, 2004 09:41 am (UTC)
up until last month, i refused to believe things like that. but now i've been forced to change. honestly, deep down, i still don't think it's right. but, for the sake of survival, i have to consider this true.
Feb. 29th, 2004 10:36 am (UTC)
Re: hrmph..
yeah. it took me a while too.. but hey..I have been living by that quote for quit a few years now. I think I am doing a lot better.
Amanda, I know it is hard and you are having a rough time, but I promise that when I say I know what you are going through, I am not lying. Shit. I had to take that quote and live by towards my own family. Yeah, it is hard doing it to your friends, but when it is your own mom who is dragging you down and choosing a fucking red neck bastard over you, theres not much that can be done. but anyways, this is not about me. I am glad that you are feeling better. I am still here if you want to talk and our door is always open if you just want to get away. xoxo
Feb. 29th, 2004 11:38 pm (UTC)
Re: hrmph..
sorry but i thought that i would say no one knows a minute detail as to what anyone else is going through, mainly because everyone lives in there own dimension(world, time, hell what ever)and none of them are the same, things are always different for everyone.
( 9 comments — Say Something )

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