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the best things in life are free

i guess my friends just don't understand how little i care about money. i hate that i make so much money now because i end up spending it on myself. that makes me sick. i love that i can buy other people things though. i wish that i could buy more for them or do more for them. christmas this year was the best because i got gifts for everyone in my life. and not just some stupid little thing. i spent a lot of time and quite a bit of money finding things that i knew people would really enjoy and appreciate.

but, i'm told that my ability and desire to shower people with gifts or help them out of monetary binds is insulting. i really had no idea. i just want to help. i'd much rather invest in someone else than in myself. and maybe that's wrong (everyone i know seems to think so), but it's the way i am. and i really don't want to change. i would like to stop insulting people. but i still want to help them. i just need to find a more subtle way to do so, i guess.

ahh, man.... i'm just overwhelmed with sadness right now. it just hit me--hard.

i don't think i'll ever be able to be the person i've been dreaming of since i can remember. i don't think i'll ever achieve the goals which others and myself have set. all i've ever wanted to do was fix things and make life/the world better. i know it sound cheesy, but i mean it. it sickens me to think of the amount of needless pain i've suffered and i just can't stomach the thought of anyone else having to go through that ever

but what can i do? i can't even take care of myself. maybe it's because i'm too busy taking care of other people. or maybe i'm just incapable of taking care of anyone. i don't know. but i can't seem to make it through one lousy day without thinking i don't even want to try again the next day. i'm so fucking lucky that i have stewbot looking out for me. he can always tell when i need cheering up and knows just what to do to get the job done.

i wish that i could be more like that for him. i know he needs it. i feel so fucking bad when i know i'm bringing him down, but i still can't seem to stop myself from being stupid/depressed/mean. you see? i'm like the goddamn antithesis to the person i'm trying to be. thank you bipolar disease. thank you astrology (gemini).

i really used to think i had a chance to change the world. to change people. but every good thing i've ever tried to do has ended badly. i hate to think of all the poor boys that i've somehow managed to scar emotionally by just trying to love them. i tried to help them achieve their potentials, but only ended up distracting them.

i used to think i tried to help my friends see the truth--to see who and what they really were. but how do i know what the truth is? no wonder they all hate me. i tried to make them believe they were something they were not. i don't know why i thought i had some great gift to be able to see people's weaknesses/faults/flaws and to help them fix them. i don't know why i thought it was my responsibility.

when i was younger, i used to think maybe i was the second coming of christ. i really did. i'm not sure i even believed in god then, at least not formally, but i just had this feeling inside of me that i had some special purpose and some special ability to make this world into something spectacular. how ridiculous i was.

i wish i did have some purpose in this life. even if it wasn't as grand as changing the world, it would be nice to know what the fuck i'm supposed to be doing with my life. i guess that's why i think about suicide a lot. i mean, what's the fucking point? what does it matter if i don't exist anymore? ehh... but then i get that feeling, and i just can't go through with it.

believe it or not, i sort of envy jess' life. it may not be the life she had planned on, but now she has a direct course to the future. i wish i would get knocked up. i really do. because you have to be a mom. and you have to support your family. there's all sorts of things you just have to do. right now, i don't have to do a damn thing. i don't have to work or go to school or even eat if i feel like starving to death because none of it makes a damn bit of difference while i have no specific purpose in life.

maybe we're not supposed to have purposes, but i need one--desperately. i'm sure that has a lot to do with why i've been in love with every single person i've ever known. i try to make them (or their happiness) my purpose. is that such a bad thing? apparently so, since the majority of those people can't stand to even be in the same room as me anymore.

god, i'm rambling. i'm sorry. i just... i dunno... something isn't right with me. i need to figure it out.

fast.

Comments

( 3 comments — Say Something )
pixylayne
Jan. 22nd, 2004 08:30 am (UTC)
tell ya what, all that was just a bunch of pissing and moaning and feelings sorry for yourself. you need ta stop that shit right now. i'm gonna be as blunt as i can about it. your a great person, always have been, always will be. i now that you've helped me a ton in the past and im a better person because of your friendship so if that means anythng then you should snap outa this sad state of mind your in. you wanted a purpose, well what other purpose is there but to look out for the ones you love and the frineds you have. help them when they need it and just be there for them. you've always done that with me and jess, don't stop trying with anyone else. as far a suicide, you better just fucking stop that bullshit, you aren't gonna take your own life and i swear that if you did i wouldn't come to your funeral and i would never visit your grave. i have no pity for the self destructive and for you to do that would kill a small part of me. i would never forgive you so you can just scratch the idea of that right fucking now.

i think you need to come back down to madison sometime soon and see me and jess. we miss you and would like to talk to you, even if i can only make you feel better for a moment while your here and can put just on smile on that face of yours that would make me feel better. i just wsh all the drama of everything would stop, we're all adults now, or so i thought. can't we just be happy and look out for each other and have some fucking fun. EVERYONE FUCKING GROW UP AND GET ON WITH LIFE! its too goddamn short to be pissed, or sad, or anything else but happy. take it from a man who HAS been there before and is now the happiest he can be and has so much to look forward to in life. on this note i shall leave you, i love you all up there and i love all my friends this means YOU AMANDA.

all of you take care, much love as a wlays and peace out...
pixylayne
Jan. 22nd, 2004 08:33 am (UTC)
in case no one knew this is ben writing now and that last message. just thought i'd clear that up since im a big tard and didn't mention that earlier.

PEACE
surjay
Jan. 22nd, 2004 12:10 pm (UTC)
...
You always make me smile. I know I am not alone either. I know that is a far cry from some grand purpose in life to alter the universe, but is it any less important overall?

As far as your direction in life, I don't know. I certainly don't have a clue what I am doing or where I am going. I think I was considered to be pretty goal-oriented for most of my life, but I was just following a line. I've always thought you were more responsible then me and strong in that sense, even if you think you are not or that others don't think so.

I've been very impressed with all you've done lately and how well you've kept everything together with working and school. I don't do anything. I just sit. Don't ever think you aren't inspiration for others, because you are. You may not think you are handling it all that well, but I think you've done a great job so far. You may want to do more and help your friends out more, which is admirable as can be and a great quality, but you can only do so much.

I am sure there are plenty of people who would love nothing else then to see you truly happy. I think about it all the time. I know there is little I can do though, really. You as well can't expect to fix everybody. Its sweet of you to do so, and i know people appreciate it even if they don't let you know.

I don't know what purpose you are seeking or where you will find it, but you should realize that you do have purposes right now. They may not be exactly what you want, but they are there none-the-less.

I think you should come down to Madtown some more to, like Ben said, so I could see you more! I'm still going to throw you into the air this weekend though.

Even though we aren't the closest of friends(despite being married) I do love and care about you. I don't know if you want just anybody rambling in here or not, but I just wanted to let you know that lots of people do appreciate you and think very highly of you.
( 3 comments — Say Something )

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