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seriously

throughout my entire lifetime i have hated at least 98% of all of my friends. maybe not hated, exactly. but i resented that they never seemed to care as much for me as i did for them. stewbot pointed out recently that almost all of my current friends treat me like shit. i tried to deny it, but he was right.

i wish that i didn't put up with it. i'm told that i deserve better (although sometimes i'm not so sure that i do). but, god, i just want to make people happy--especially people that are SO special to me. you think people would appreciate that, but they never do. sometimes they even resent it. sometimes they misinterpret it and think i'm trying to be mean.

apparently, i just suck at life. maybe i was just meant to live out in the wilderness somewhere all by myself. i certainly wasn't meant to be a roommate, friend, wife or math teacher.

so, i guess i'm done for a while. i'm really sick of trying and failing. it's time for me to "grow up" and take care of my "responsibilities." i thought i'd been doing that (off and on) for the last seven years, but i guess i was wrong.

so if you need me ha, right!

so if you care to make sure i'm not dead, i'll be in my room growing up and being responsible. apparently life is all about being selfish and treating other people like shit. that seems to be the only way to get ahead. so i'll be beating that lesson into my head until i forget that ridiculous notion that you should treat people the way you would like to be treated.

and, no, this isn't directed at just one person. it's about all the people in my life who are supposed to be my friends, except a select few (seven at most) from madison an bloomington. and even half of them aren't the friends i think i deserve, but i'll take what i can get i guess.

Comments

( 10 comments — Say Something )
brasko
Jan. 20th, 2004 09:25 am (UTC)
all i can say is take care of yourself first and foremost and at all times...the rest will fall into place.
xheartfallx
Jan. 20th, 2004 09:27 am (UTC)
i think that somehow we all hate what we have, sometimes.
maybe its just our own ignorance and inability to see ourselves.
hmm.
we are all great.
shakewell
Jan. 20th, 2004 09:31 am (UTC)
maybe you are
but i'm not.

you don't hate great people. and people most definitely hate me.

i can't believe i have 50 more years of this shit to deal with...
quarantine
Jan. 20th, 2004 10:03 am (UTC)
You know we love you here in Pistol City.
And I mean that.
fa1ry_g1rl
Jan. 20th, 2004 10:08 am (UTC)
still love you
Amanda,
I was going to call you, but I am also feeling a little lonely, and just wanted to say that I am sorry if you feel like I have been a bad friend through this whole party incident this weekend or ever for that matter. I realize that you did not mean to be cruel by calling from that party, and also thank you for offering to pay my way in, but I did want to go so badly, and just did not want to hear the party I was not at, and after you hung up I was worried about you because it sounded like you were outside, and we tired to call all day yesterday to make sure that you were okay. So, in the future if you ever feel lonely call me and we can feel sorry for ourselves together. Well, I am going to take a bath and read a book now.
surjay
Jan. 20th, 2004 10:36 am (UTC)
...
I love you dearly.
jo3
Jan. 20th, 2004 10:40 am (UTC)
from what i hear, growing up is way over-rated.
me0wkp
Jan. 20th, 2004 03:59 pm (UTC)
miss you
i want you to know that i care about you and what goes on in your life; i love reading what you have to say.

live the life you want to live, not how you think you should or are supposed to.

i guess i feel the same way sometimes, but mostly because im younger than everyone i know. just know that you are loved, but dont worry about who or how many love you.

i hope once im at school we can spend more time together, you're great fun to be around.
shakewell
Jan. 20th, 2004 04:08 pm (UTC)
<3
you rule, kat.

so you're going to IUB? i always thought you were going somewhere super-fabulous that i'd never heard of that has a super-fabulous swim team.
me0wkp
Jan. 20th, 2004 06:44 pm (UTC)
shakin it up
well somehow in the process of college searching i realized how much i love iu and not swimming. i guess since everyone expected id go somewhere else it only figures id end up in btown. although my dad isnt too pleased about my decision, i have been accepted into HPER and the honors college!

anywho, im super excited. as of right now im planning on taking classes this summer, but we'll see how the financial picture plays out...
( 10 comments — Say Something )

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