i had a good talk with jessica a while ago. short and sweet. it made me happy to be able to say some things i've been to afraid to say, but it also made me sad to admit my insecurities. i'm such a dork. i guess in a way i'm sad that i consider her my friend. don't get me wrong, i'm really happy to have someone to talk to about anything and everything, but how pathetic is it that this girl i've never even met ranks on my top 3 friends list?
that probably makes me sound like a real bitch, which is fitting. because i am. i'm not ashamed of it. it's who i am and i'm ok with that. i just wish i wasn't also a person who needs to keep people close. anymore, being a bitch is just my excuse for pushing people away.
so in order to gain some balance and harmony in my life, i'm trying to adjust the boundaries of my personality (that sounds like some new-wave hippie bullshit when i read it back..). i'm attempting to analyze and adjust my behavior. i get the feeling that it's all just a big waste of time - that i'll never really change. but i think i have to try. people don't like me. hell, i don't like people. but i want to like and be liked by people. and i'm just going to have to find a happy medium.
i guess some of this need for change is coming from the book i'm reading - ayn rand's "the fountainhead." rand's main characters are always these noble men who don't fit into society because they neither need or want to. a lot of people are offended by those characters, but i really admire them. i don't aspire to be like them, however, because i know that i do need people. i need people to tell me they love me and to reassure me when i have doubts. i need people to tell me what i like is ok because they like it too. in my opinion, that makes me a very weak person. but at least i know that.