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four years of working my ass off
just to call it quits at the end of every semester
eight (or more) semesters of wanting to off myself
on the last day of classes
because no matter how hard i try
it's never good enough
not that that even matters
because i never really try anymore
all this for a degree
i don't even feel like i can achieve
to get a job
i don't think i'll be very good at
so i can buy a house
to live alone in
and drive a car
i can't afford
and so i can pretend that i'm helping people
when really i'm just making things worse
because you can't help others
if you don't help yourself

but
fuck it
i mean really
we all know i'm not going to kill myself
and i'm certainly never going to stop being depressed
so what's the fucking point of all this shit
to let everyone know just how sad i am?
so they can hug me and tell me they love me
and i can say "thanks"
but in my head i'll think
they don't really give a shit
it's just easier for them to pretend they care
than it would be for them to watch me cry
if they gave me the cold shoulder

i'd like to watch someone cry
and not let it upset me
i think that would be the ultimate culmination
of this horrible transformation i'm undergoing
to become completely unaffected
by the feelings of the people around me
to ditch this sense of guilt and obligation
that arises from other peoples' unhappiness
because,
what have they done for me lately?
not a god damn thing
and that's the way it will always be

Comments

( 4 comments — Say Something )
okill
Dec. 4th, 2003 12:09 pm (UTC)
hmmm... this is a very interesting post. I'm not sure what to say except I was very depressed not long ago. I like to take this time to thank the pfizer company for making a little pill called zoloft. also It definitly does not help when your always worried about how everyone else feels. I found it best to just be a selfish bastard and only worry about myself and let everyone else figure their own shit out. But I suppose not everyone can just say fuck it like I did.

But it's worth a try...
shakewell
Dec. 4th, 2003 12:30 pm (UTC)
it is worth a try
and i am trying
i'm laying off the pills though
paxil made me want to kill myself
AND kill other people

bad news...

thanks, though.
pea_chuggie
Dec. 4th, 2003 01:38 pm (UTC)
Hey, if you want to get in touch with someone who could watch you cry and not give a shit, talk to my sister. She's pretty heartless like that.
rebot10
Dec. 4th, 2003 07:18 pm (UTC)
wow i love your new setup here.
( 4 comments — Say Something )

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