sWell (shakewell) wrote,

oh, surprise, swell is back and she's depressed

i never can remember why i tried to kill myself in high school. i don't think i ever knew. i'm pretty sure it wasn't any one thing, but i can't even recall what set me off. i guess that no one was listening that morning.


i've been thinking a lot about killing myself lately. obviously, i'm not doing it. i'm not even trying. but i think about it all the time. it's like i told those doctors, that night in the ER, i can't promise i'll never consider it again.

i don't know what makes me so different from the people i most identify with. (my dad, my brother.) i honestly think that they would never even consider it. but, me, i can't get it out of my head.

oddly enough, i think what bothers me most is that if they did consider it, they probably wouldn't waste their waking lives considering it continuously; they'd just do it. and they'd do it right. the first time.

so, what the fuck...

like everytime (all the time) it's a myriad of things that's got me down. money being the forerunner. i owe more in two weeks than i make in a month and i'm still making stupid fucking mistakes that overdraft my bank account nearly every week.

i mean. honestly. i don't know why i bother.

i could declare bankruptcy, i guess, but i haven't even got any assets to keep and, with that in my file, i can't forsee ever getting any in the future.

i've applied for every mindless bullshit job i can find (and some decent ones too) but, as always, i can never even get a call back.

moreover, i'm realizing that i am never going to produce anything. offspring, ideas, inspiration.

i am. just. wasting. space.

and i still can't get motivated either way. i will always be wasting away until someone finally makes me stop.

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