sWell (shakewell) wrote,
sWell
shakewell

crazy little thing called love

i've somehow become this happy person

i am loving browder
without needing him
and it is so refreshing

i am loving him
just the way he is
and i am loving myself along the way

i am doing more
i am exploring new places
i am learning new things
i am meeting new people
and i am loving it

the three-month cycle ended
and began again
but, this time, it was just a little dip
instead of deep and steep valley

and it's not just him
or them
it's me

for the first time in my entire life, i feel strong. i feel confident. i finally feel like i know what i can do and what i can't. and i no longer feel like i have to apologize for any of it.

i still don't feel like i know what i want out of life, but there a few ideas that are becoming more interesting to me at least. for instance, since i've got a new beau and all, i can't help but consider the whole marriage and kids angle on life. (browder, if you're reading this, don't get scared; i don't date anyone with whom i haven't at least entertained the idea.) even though i'm still not sold on the whole package (or any part of it), i think it gives you a little insight into who someone really is when you consider how they form familial attachments.

and thinking about all that junk has made me realize just how much i've changed over these last few years. i thought i would marry micah. and i thought i would marry joe. but it was mostly because i thought that was just what normal people do when they dated for three years. i thought they would change. or i would learn to love them, flaws and all. and that i would change too. but i never really thought who they were at the time was a good match for who i was in those momemnts.

but when i toy with the idea of marrying browder someday, i think "well, why wouldn't we be married? we do everything together anyway." i know it sounds trite and cliché, but i've really never met someone so perfectly suited to my needs and desires. sure, he drinks more than i do, he's into sports i don't understand and he actually, you know, likes people, but i'm finding these things not only bearable, with him, but even enjoyable.

it's weird to be changing because of someone, instead of for someone.
Tags: browder, change, depression, happiness, jo3, love, marriage, micahray
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