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right now, it's blogging time

i have been getting complaints about my lack of content lately. twitter just doesn't cut it for some. so, i have set aside this time today for blogging. it comes just after paying bills and lamenting my insurmountable debt, but before cleaning my room.

enjoy.

i haven't been sleeping well for weeks, so i haven't been dreaming much. but, when i do dream, i dream a lot about the future. it's weird, though, because, in these dreams, i'm always late.

i've been trying to figure out the significance of this or even just come up with a word that will make this blog seem a) more interesting or 2) more intelligent.

well, surprise, i've got nothing.

actually, i think i fear my life is passing me by (which it is) and i've missed my great opportunities (which i have).

i do not care to live in the now. when i'm down, i live in the past. when i'm hopeful, i look to the future. but to live in the moment is to just be. not to think. not to analyze. not to plan. just be. just enjoy. just smile and laugh.

i can't even imagine how one does such things.

after months of worry and uncertainty, my boss finally told me that i'd be coming along to the new project (21st bridge over 465). everyone told me not to worry about my job, but, in a business where they lay people off by handing them their last check when they clock out, nothing seems very certain at all. plus, it's a small job and they honestly have no need for me--just like they've had no real need for me these past 6 months.

the hope is, that they'll be getting another job on that side of town, even bigger than the concurrent i-70 projects. if that happens, they will definitely need me. and i will definitely need a raise.

anyway, at this new job, i'll be taking over the office duties of our current assistant project manager, who will be moving to a field superintendent position. in a way, that's really neat, but it's also quite terrifying, since he's totally our go-to guy for just about everything and i still know basically nothing about construction and engineering. so, without him around, i won't have anyone to train or oversee me. it will be a trial by fire. yuck.

so, in other news, i guess i have a boyfriend. i'm not really sure how that happened. god knows that's not what i'm looking for.

still, it's pretty nice to have someone offering to do nice things for me.

of course, that only makes me look like an even bigger jerk. but i never agreed to be anybody's anything. so, what can you expect?

seriously, though, he's a good guy. and fun. and thoughtful. and there are uhh... benefits to having a steady boyfriend. but... i dunno... he was all (but the last of) those things before we hooked up.

why fix it if it ain't broke?

it's not that i have a problem with monogamy. or even commitment in general.

actually... now that i think about it, i guess i do have a problem with commitment. i don't think i'm afraid of it. it just doesn't interest me. i am fickle and uncommitted in my own personal interests; how can i be expected maintain investment in someone else's?

ugh. where am i going with this?

Comments

( 3 comments — Say Something )
austin1516
Jun. 30th, 2008 12:14 am (UTC)
I find myself thinking the same way at times. Every time I dream it is about the future or how I can strike it rich. It's odd because I don't want to be "one of those people" that has an easy way out, yet I seem to subconsciously envy it at the same time.

Your life hasn't passed you by, you are still young! My Mom is in a similar boat currently with being confused about a lot of direction, but she's nearly twice our ages so that is when I would worry, at that age!

I am glad you get to keep your job longer, even if it doesn't work out long term you will have great experience to land a nice office management job or something similar with that on your resume! Good luck! :)
quarantine
Jun. 30th, 2008 04:13 am (UTC)
I equate commitment with obligation, even when that's not the case. It's hard to get around.
ladyjay19
Jul. 12th, 2008 03:44 am (UTC)
I'm sure you know this about me because you've read my blogs, but I still feel like saying it.

I'm afraid of commitment because I'm afraid I'll ultimately end up acting like my brother, like my father and be unable to ever connect with only one person.

Commitment and love don't equate to me. Commitment, like one of your readers mentioned, is an obligation. And I'm afraid of it like I'm afraid to sign a year lease.

I know you wrote more about this more recently, but I just saw this, and I felt like commenting. It has been so long since you've really written things that seem vulnerable. Whether you're exposing your soul or just venting, I love to hear your thoughts.

Anyway, the convenient thing about relationships is that you can always break them when things turn to shit. (Unlike some year leases.)
( 3 comments — Say Something )

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