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two summers ago, while i was wwoofing in hawaii, i can pretty close to dying. the first time was when i attempted to hike this horrendously inclined trail and nearly blacked out while walking the precariously thin trail. the second time was when i swam out to the end of a bay alone while the tide was going out.

maybe i didn't really almost die, but it was the closest i'd ever consciously come to death and it was much, much closer than i'd ever come before.

i really don't know why i didn't panic in those situations. i mean, i'm an avid worrier and dedicated pessimist (so they say). and i really was calculating my chances of survival. now, i can't say i made the best decisions (for instance, i didn't wave or call for help in the ocean), but i don't think i made either situation worse.

anyway, that's not what i wanted to write about. (jesus christ! whatever skill i once had for writing, i've lost it.)

as i was fighting my way back to shore and while i should have been calling for help, i found myself thinking "yeah, i might die today, but--if i don't--i'm going to have a great story to tell." and as i struggled to finish that terrible hike, i thought "well, if i die, tell my parents i was having a time!" (who says that shit, by the way?)

something changed in me that summer. maybe it's because it's the first time i ever really did anything in my life. maybe it's because i could have died. maybe it's because i realized i nearly died without doing anything worthwhile at all. i don't know.

but i find myself, now, looking at things in entirely different ways. like all this mojo stuff. that's so completely not who i was. but they were doing these outrageously fun things and i thought, "how can i not participate in that?" now i've put together a roller jam, fielded a kickball team, jumped in a frozen lake and even put myself up for auction.

i'm living life again. for the first time?

by the way, this entry really went to shit somewhere.



( 5 comments — Say Something )
Jun. 5th, 2008 05:37 pm (UTC)
You didn't mention all the AWESOME people
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You didn't mention all the AWESOME people <coughs me coughs/> from mojo.

You're fielding a kickball team as allowed me to get out and meet people! For that I thank you. I'm bad I missed the Roller Jam. That was before mojo took ahold of me.
Jun. 5th, 2008 05:44 pm (UTC)
be sure and save the date for the summer skate party - july 26!
Jun. 5th, 2008 06:13 pm (UTC)
oh i am!! I've already rc'ed!
Jun. 6th, 2008 06:32 pm (UTC)
This entry made me feel really good.

I started thinking about all the things that I've done that seem small until I say them out loud.

I'm proud of you for getting out there.
I'm proud of me for doing the same.

Sometime I'll have to road trip down to one of these things you're throwing. :)
Jun. 6th, 2008 07:27 pm (UTC)
i'm proud of us both too

also, i may be out in nebraska in july to see jimo (if i can arrange the transportation).
( 5 comments — Say Something )

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