sWell (shakewell) wrote,

i was going to try to edit this, but i didn't. so, there you go.

i was having trouble sleeping last night, so i was thinking a lot about my life over the past week, month and year.

the first thing i figured out was that it actually cost me more to have mike fix chauncey last week than if i'd gotten it done at midas, because i forgot that i also bought the water pump before i ever took the jeep over to his house. that really pissed me off and i have vowed never to offer to pay mike more money than he initially quotes (no matter how much he low-balls his worth or the time involved).

then i sat down and calculated just how much i owe in student loans and credit cards. it's more than i thought and i'm not too pleased about it.

then i thought about giftmas and how sad it's going to make me not to be able to get anyone anything at all. and also how pathetic it is that all i'm going to allow myself to ask for is new tires for chauncey, because, as it turns out, the ones i have are not in good shape at all (despite how decent they look to me) and those things are nearly $100 each! (maybe you'd like to paypal me some money?!)

anyway, i'm really sorry about giftmas. you know it probably hurts me more not to be able to give you guys things than it does for you not to get them.

then i put a lot of thought into just how much of a crappy nights-and-weekends job i would be willing to accept to a) bring in some more money and (more importantly) 2) reduce the amount of opportunities i have to spend money. conclusion? do not be surprised if you see me stocking at wal*mart this holiday season.

speaking of jobs, did i tell you martin marietta never called me back? i cannot tell you how despondent i am that i did not win the position for which i was the only applicant. of course, i didn't want it anyway, so i was somewhat glad to avoid the confrontation of having to turn them down. still, it's a painful fucking reminder that i am still only qualified for entry-level positions and my complete lack of self-confidence is my most noticeable feature.

then, i moved onto more important issues, like relationships.

it's been over two months since i've seen or talked to stewbot and, while that has been my choice, i can't say that i don't miss him terribly--because if anyone i know really gets me, it's him. i don't think either one of us is who we were when we were really close anymore, though, and we probably never will be again.

in the long run, i guess i'm glad i don't know how to hate people, but, in the short run, it would kind of be nice sometimes, because, instead of hating them, i hate myself--for ever loving /trusting them, for letting them affect me, for not being able to maintain when i'm around them. so, instead of being able to go do the things i always did, with an added sprinkling of dirty looks, gossip and hateful pleasure derived from those things, i have to cut myself off from those activities and those people completely, else i end up apologizing to them for how i let what they did affect me. (and that's not being the bigger person, that's being a pathetic fucking fool who's asking for it again.)

things in the house were going pretty smoothly for a while, but i've redeveloped my disdain for femtron since hearing that she thinks she owns my cat because she [over]feeds our cats in the mornings, when she wakes up before me. maybe she'd like to own that litter box too? it doesn't help that she's also reinvigorated her complaint that no one invites her to do anything. instead of just making herself more available to the rest of the housemates (who, i think, tend to make invitations based almost entirely on proximity) or reciprocating the kind of invitations she'd like to receive, she continues to lock herself away in her room, make dinners for only herself and then whine when she finds out someone went somewhere or made dinner notifying her.

addendum: martin marietta just called. they want me to come in and fill out an application. i don't know why they didn't have me do that when, you know, i applied. maybe i'll leave them hanging for a week before i call back. jerks. (and, for the record, i wouldn't be so pissy about them not calling if they hadn't assured me--numerous times--that they'd call me in two days at the latest.)
Tags: chauncey, femtron, giftmas, jobs, martin marietta, mike, money, stewbot

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