sWell (shakewell) wrote,

so, this weekend was the big move. big thanks to everyone who helped me, especially igg and quarantine, but also jqr and surjay. muchos gracias to pop pop for the use of his big ol' pick up truck. i meant to wash it before i took it back to nineveh, but forgot. i hope the change i left in the cup holder expresses the same sentiment.

my room is on the small side, but that's ok, because basically all i do is lie in bed anyway. i imagine i'll be spending a lot less time surfin' the web these days, now that my desk chair drifts into the dip in my floor at a pretty quick pace. it's quite annoying to have to pull myself back to the keyboard every few minutes, especially since my desk is about to break in half anyway.

it's really great being connected to the guys' house. on the day i moved in, i just popped over to borrow some sugar for my iced tea. i didn't have to call ahead or knock on any doors. in fact, they probably never even knew i was there.

we've been having some family style dinners, now, too. i really like that. big ups to igg and quarantine for getting that going.

the only down side to this nearness and connectivity is that, at the moment, i'm just about as down as i've ever been and i want nothing more than to get the hell away from everyone i know. i barely have the energy to put on a happy face and, then, when i walk away, i can't help but lament over what an asshole i am for having to do that around friends.

i cried all the way home from nineveh, sunday afternoon for similar reasons. my mom is going way overboard trying to throw this luau for me to make up for the party i missed there last year, to celebrate my love of hawaii and to mark my stupid birthday too. she really just wants to make me happy; her intentions are awesomely pure. but, because she didn't listen to my initial protests, and went ahead with plans anyway, i feel guilted into this now. i have to go and i have to have fun and i have to be happy because she's trying so hard and that's what she wants. what really upsets me about it all, though, is that i mad at her for making me feel guilty when, for once, she's not manipulating me to feel guilty.

so, i'm just about the worst daughter there is. perhaps my only redeeming factor is that i'm not going kill myself before the party and ruin her grand plans.

my mom also asked me to make and give out invitations, since she doesn't really know my friends. i tried--i really tried--but the whole thing is completely embarrassing for me. first, i have to physically make the invitations. this is a frustratingly constant reminder of my complete lack of artistic talent and inability to think things through. then, i'm supposed to hand these out to my friends like some retarded little preschooler. and, then, worst of all, i have to hear them say they aren't going to come. or, even worse, i get to wait at the party for them to never show up.
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