sWell (shakewell) wrote,
sWell
shakewell

miss almost, miss maybe, miss halfway

first things first, i did not go curling today. there is no good reason why i did not go. it is the only thing i have looked forward to since i read about it on saturday. i spread the word and attempted to talk other people into it. i emailed for more information. then, today, i became absolutely paralyzed with fear and anxiety. spooge asked, "what's the worst that can happen?" but there is no logic to my worrying. and i know that. and i can't stop it anyway.

in addition, i called in to work again today--also for no good reason.

i am depressed and it is depressing.

i called hawaii a couple times, today, to wish darkwax a happy (happy!) birthday (birthday!) and maybe get a chance to talk to holland, but i had no luck. i could definily use some good conversation...

took a jung personality type test today in my boredom. while generally very consistent in these things, i have recently changed from mastermind (iNTj) to a protector (iSFj). i'm sure i could find a way to agree with fitting into any of the 16 different types, of course. the personal relationship aspects of both these profiles seem pretty apt to me, but i definitely do see myself pulling away from the work ethic and drive of a mastermind and leaning heavily toward the need to be needed aspect of a protector.

i apologize for filling this entry with such random nothingness. i haven't said anything in a while and i feel like i should for some reason. i used to write when i was upset or depressed. solidifying my feelings into words helped me to accept my problems. explaining them forced me to use logic to present them and helped me to work through them.

now, there is just nothingness.

i think about a lot of things, but i never follow through.

i'm making one half-assed attempt, but it is nothing much really. slow and subtle poison. it will be many, many years before time tells on that one. if i'm still around then, then i know i'll regret it.

i wish i had passion in my life. i used to. it was so disappointing in the end, but it was something. it was a reason to do things, a reason to work through pain. i had a passion for people. i don't anymore. i try to. giftmastm was brute force and desperation this year. i wasn't going to bother much with it, but it was expected of me. it's all i heard about.

i hate being a disappointment.

people ask what makes me happy. i don't know. i take pleasure in simple things, but i am not satisfied.

i want to work myself to death, consumed only by the physical act, numbed by exhaustion.
Tags: anxiety, darkwax, depression, expectations, giftmas, happiness, holland, passion, spooge, suicide
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