sWell (shakewell) wrote,

sound advice

people keep telling me that i should just do what makes me happy. in theory, it's great advice and i wholeheartedly agree. but, it glosses over the heart of my dilemma--i don't know what makes me happy.

more accurately, things that make me happy for a time also tend to make me quite unhappy some time later.

for example, i like to go to the bar with friends from work. i do not, however, like to have everyone else at work hear and then talk about what happened (and sometimes what didn't happen) at the bar.

i'd like to return to hawaii immediately, but i (for once) would not like to leave my employer in a bind by not fulfilling my commitment. i would also not like disappointing my friends in hawaii... again.

i'd like to go back to school, but i would not like to be another $10,000 in debt. i would also not like to fail.

right now, i just can't seem to decide what's most important in my life. maybe it's because nothing is at the moment. for a while, i think, i'd just like to sort of float through existence not making waves. i'm tired. even the things that i think make me happy end up making me sad, so why bother? i suppose some might argue that i'd be sad for the lack of effort, the what if's. i don't know.

it's just that time of year again. i'm sad for what i do and sad for what i don't do. i'm sad for all my faults and sad for everything out of my control.

yes, yes. just snap out of it. just be happy. i know, i know. so, shut up. i'm not seeking advice (and never was); it only makes me feel worse for going against what i should (and do) know already.
Tags: depression, reflection

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