sWell (shakewell) wrote,

hot n cold

what's up, friends?

i'm still rockin' things at martin marietta. it's cool, because i get all the overtime i want and then some. but... it sucks because i'm a total perfectionist on the job and i can't stand all the bullshit that i get wrong, that dispatch gets wrong and that the drivers get wrong. still, everyone tells me that i'm doing an awesome job and that i'm learning more quickly than they did, so i shouldn't be so hard on myself.

they're all the kind of people who never think they're wrong. i, as you know, am the kind of person who is quite painfully aware being wrong (as well as often mistakenly convinced of being wrong when i'm right).

i really wanted to cry the other day (monday?), but i didn't. i was going to tell them to find someone else, but i didn't. a part of me thinks, hooray! you can conquer a difficult task and move past a stressful situation, but another part of me things why do you let other people stop you from what you're doing? if crying will make you feel better, do it. if it doesn't seem worth $10 an hour to put up with that bullshit, don't. i don't know which part is right.

you know what was really great, though, about that day i was so busy and so stressed out and so making a ton of mistakes? everyone was still so nice to me. not a single driver bitched about having to wait. there were no snide remarks, dirty looks, impatient sighs. that's really why i couldn't cry. i was ready to. i had the chin quiver and everything. but every time i'd hand a ticket to a driver, he's smile and say thank you and tell me the wait was no problem and to keep up the good work.

i really wish i was a better person.


not much else is new. i've been sick for two days. i'll spare you the details, but it is both unpleasant and inconvenient not to be able to take a sick day. i think i had/have a fever today, but i can't really be sure. all i know is i was sweating when i walked out to my car at 5:45 this morning and i wore my hoodie out to the car at 3:30 this afternoon.


i'll be in ohio next weekend. i'm really looking forward to taking darkwax to a party (driven) and hopefully seeing miss maddy b too. so, for those of you in the nasty natti, keep your ears on; i'll be there soon.



i'm just checkin out your drawers.

rambo says i can't quit before i talk to him. he says i should call him next time i feel like crying so he can come make me smile.

i really do love steve rambo. as bizarre and ridiculous as it is.

i hope he doesn't hate me when i quit in january.
Tags: adventures, anxiety, darkwax, driven, maddy, martin marietta, rambo, work

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