so, first, there was the phone call. second, there was after effect. (or was it after affect? i don't really care.) finally, today, i stumble onto nate brown's myspace page.
i read over his page and realize we are going to run into each other sooner, rather than later, based on his interests and plans. so, being the total coward that i am, i suck it up and send him an email rather than just face him in person when the day comes.
i told him his voice mail left me dumbfounded and the thought of running into him again made me uneasy. i told him i wasn't angry about how we parted, but that it still doesn't quite sit right with me; it doesn't make me mad, but i can't forget it.
and, then, there it was. i really wasn't all that bothered by it anymore. just being honest with him about how i felt seemed to lift all the burden from my mind. i said i didn't need or expect and apology or explanation. and i don't.
the healing process is an internal mechanism. i guess i never really thought about it before, but i know i've done it; you can still forgive people, even if they're not sorry. maybe jesus can't do it, but i can. and, i guess, in this sense, it's less about forgiving the person and more about forgiving the action and your judgment of it. maybe i'm really just forgiving myself for allowing myself to be hurt. i dunno. that's pretty out there. i can't quite wrap my head around it. that's for some other discussion.
my point, today, is that i now feel incredibly relieved. there was a chance i was going to run into nate tonight and, instead of wanting to stay at home and hide, i was actually looking forward to catching up with the guy.
as it turns out, nate says he is sorry and he knows he always makes an ass out of himself with me. and, in true swell-style, nate also says he's "so totally in love with [me] it's scary."
i fucking swear, you guys... this phenomena is unbelievable.
is he telling the truth? who knows. i don't believe anyone anymore. and who cares? love, if it even exists, is completely subjective.
so, whatever... this bizarre relationship has just stepped up to some completely new level of wackiness. it's times like this that make me hope i live long enough to tell my kids these crazy stories about my past.