sWell (shakewell) wrote,

ich habe hunger und geburstag [wishes]

so, i was the first one up by a couple of hours this morning and here i am sitting alone at the computer praying for sleep to come while my roommates saw logs. it's raining like crazy here. thunderstorms. they say they don't get those here that often. i guess this is the storm everyone back home has been curious about.

i wish i were sleeping at the beach again tonight. rain or not, it's a hell of a lot warmer down there. did i mention i don't have a blanket? yeah, dadio talked me out of bringing a sleeping bag and (like an idiot) i forgot to bring any sort of blanket or sheet. it gets pretty cold up here at night. i just looked it up on google, but i've already forgotten. i was too distracted by the forecast of rain, rain, rain, rain, rain for the next five days.

i think i may die here on this island. if not from sleeping in the cold and wet, then maybe from gouging holes into my feet while swimming in ocean and letting them get infected. (it's actually just one hole thus far and i don't think it's infected yet. time will tell on that one, though.) and, if i survive all that, i'll probably starve to death. every monday, zach (who runs the farm) buys groceries for everyone here to share. we've got a propane stove and a microwave on/in which to do all of our cooking. i can't cook. also, i don't know where shit is in the kitchen (actually a warehouse). and, of course, i'm completely incapable of asking for help.

i almost keeled over on our little excursion yesterday. we were all supposed to bring our own food (and utensils) for the trip. since this was my first morning on the farm, i had no idea what i needed to bring and where i would find it. i asked sean if i needed to bring anything and he said no. i mistakenly assumed this meant that he had packed food for the both of us. so, after skipping breakfast like i always do, i didn't eat again until i had a handful of potato chips in the late afternoon. sean ate a can of soup. i asked for nothing. he offered nothing. i had a few shots of vodka during the day because i figured that would help me ignore my hunger and would also gear me up for another night without a blanket. we made camp and started a fire but it took forever and a day before any cooking actually happened. there was community chicken and rice, so i got like one little chicken finger (which was delicious!) and half a cup of rice. somewhere in there, i asked sean if he had anything to snack on. he didn't. i wouldn't have asked anyone else, but he rounded up some nuts for me. i felt bad eating them, so i just had a few and held onto the bag long enough to make it seem like i'd gotten all i wanted.

so, for breakfast, there was nothing for me. dean was going to mix oatmeal, leftover rice and nuts to make a little community breakfast but kyle kind of started ranting about how we were all supposed to bring our own stuff, etc. so, when some other people just offerred up their extra oatmeal to the group in general, i couldn't accept.

on the way home, we stopped at the kava bar (also owned by zach) where sean asked someone to grab him some (free) poi while they went in. he didn't ask them to get me some too, nor did he even ask if i wanted something to eat.

anyway, i'm not saying i'm mad at sean for not taking care of me. it's not his job. i'm just saying, unless i get past these anxiety issues, i'm going to fucking starve out here.

in other news, i'm probably going to have to start hitch hiking if i want to get around here by myself. you can imagine my anxiety about this, considering how freaked out i am about asking for some food when i'm so hungry i can't stand up without getting light-headed. so, i really wish i'd been able to bring a bike out here somehow. i'm sure i can buy one somewhere on the island, but i don't know where and i don't know how i'm going to get there.

oh, yeah, so like everyone here smokes, drinks and gets high. i'm sure they all do other drugs as well (at least probably mushrooms). but this completely ruins my plan of coming out here and sobering up. i mean, i know if i were a stronger person it would be entirely possible, but i'm not and we all know it. if i lay off the sauce, it's only going to amplify my social anxiety (which is already on high alert) and this isn't really the place i want to have another fucking breakdown.

it's funny, hawaii is the only place i've ever been to in which i can get completely disoriented. i can never tell which way we're driving. hell, i can't even remember where the hell these cities lie in relation to one another on a map.

speaking of maps, i've come up with a preliminary birthday wish list.
>>map of hawaii, especially island of hawaii
>>camping mess kit
>>hiking-style backpack (as in not a school book bag)

well, i'm going to go take care of some fishing in hell while i listen the god damned rain leak on to my air mattress.


i know i'm bitching a lot today, but i am still totally stoked to be here in hawaii. things will be much better when i start eating enough food. oh, and also when sarah leaves and gives me her sleeping bag.
Tags: anxiety, birthday, darkwax, hawaii

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