sWell (shakewell) wrote,
sWell
shakewell

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i've recently become obsessed with the talking heads

boone's girlfriend has a B parking permit, so we drove to school this morning. but, when i walked out of the lecture hall 75 minutes later, i'd forgotten all about that. my ears were burning in the cold air and i could see my breath. all i could think was, "how the fuck did i get here today?" it was a pretty weird feeling.

i get that way when i drive sometimes. (of course, by sometimes, i mean every time i get in my car.) it's especially pronounced on the interstate, when exits are few and far between and i have ample time to get side-tracked, distracted and distraught. but i can recall some very recent occasions just in the four miles between my place and broad ripple. i'm such a space cadet.

xxx

i've noticed that, in addition to my general lack of desire to share much of anything here lately, i've also been glossing over some of the more negative aspects of my life at the moment. it's mostly a lack of trust, i think, but i'm also just so sick of reading about how everyone is so sick of reading my complaints. sometimes i feel like the only reason most people read this journal is because they care about having ammo to use against me someday, not because they genuinely care about me or my life at all.

anyway, last week, i went through what was probably the most significantly life-changing event of my life so far and it just seems so bizarre to me that i didn't tell a soul about it until last night (and that was completely out of need, not desire).

in a lot of ways, it seems to be a good thing that i've outgrown my dependency on others, but i think, perhaps, the pendulum has swung too far. i'm at a point where i can't even find a reason to share the events of my life with anyone most of the time. and, on the rare days when i do actually want to share, i often can't overcome the thought that it will not be well-received or that it will only come back to haunt me.

i'm sure it has everything to do with me and is no fault of their own, but these kids today just hardly seem worth the risk.

don't get me wrong. there's a lot of people in my life that would gladly listen, should i need to talk, but they're not so much a part of my everyday life these days and i just don't feel right popping in out of the blue with something so major. i don't think they'd mind (or even notice) at all, but that's the sort of thing that makes me feel like a user or something. obviously, not something i'm trying to be.

xxx

one-liners:

dieselboy at the melody inn tonight.
i have to read the communist manifesto again today.
keeping my apartment below 60 only saved me $30 this month; lame.
i sit alone in physics lab; it's a little embarrassing, but not as annoying as being in a group.
i wish, just once, i could hang out with a boy and not become infatuated with him.
that said, i'm thoroughly enjoying my current crush.
i did my taxes yesterday and will be enjoying my refund and mystery bonus money in a few weeks.
i can't seem to get motivated about going to the grocery store; you wouldn't believe what i've been eating.
watercolor painting is not my forte.
i got my miller family scholarship and life is good.
i'm an all or nothing girl (but mostly nothing).
my grampa asked if my car had a name, but he was completely taken aback when i said, "yes. chauncey."
euclid is in the window again... idiot.
Tags: comfort level, friendship, pod 6, reflection
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