Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

girls gone wild

i dreamed the most wicked girl fight ever. not only did i lose, but my parents and brother took their side.


you know, since the day i fed megan glowiack that dog biscuit in the fourth grade, i've never done anything to intentionally harm someone else. i won't doubt that there have been many occasions where i accidentally told a secret or somehow hurt people inadvertently. and i can't deny that many people interpret my actions in an entirely different realm of moral differentiation and logic.

but it's always been my life goal to make other people happy, as i've found that my own happiness is wholly unattainable when the people i love are unhappy. they say it's a simple fact of life that you can't make all the people happy all the time, but i still find that so hard to believe. and, so, i constantly grapple with my lack of success as a friend, my inability to understand and my my impotence to facilitate positive change.

at the end of the day, i struggle with how to live with my failures. is my life worth living if i can't achieve my one goal? will i one day learn the trick to it all or will i continue to ruin everything i touch?

and perhaps the most frustrating part is the girls who take such pride in tearing me down, seem to have no qualms about it. they are content with their lives, with themselves. they revel in their success when they hurt me, when they ruin something of mine. and the more pain and destruction they leave in their wake, the surer they are that they are on the right path.

i can't live with the failure of my good intentions.
and can't seem to help breaking their own moral codes.

of course, the best part is, they grow stronger and closer in ranks every time i fail.

i envy them. i really do. their happiness, their carelessness, their ability to blank out their morals in order to build their self-esteem.

for what it's worth, i'm glad they can ignore all the horrible things they've said about each other in the past and find friendship in one another again. i'm happy they can forgive all the treachery and indiscretions and trust one another again.

i suppose, some of my greatest successes in terms of making others happy come from my own greatest personal failures. i guess i'm good for something after all.


( 10 comments — Say Something )
Jan. 10th, 2006 02:04 am (UTC)
oh wowo boohoo
Jan. 10th, 2006 10:19 pm (UTC)
So your dream about a girlfight then. Also your mother fighting with another mother = funny I guess.

Hope you win next time and beat the shit out of the girl you are fighting with.

Jan. 10th, 2006 10:23 pm (UTC)
mother fighting with another mother? i dreamed of no such thing. and i certainly didn't say any of it was funny.

[frank who?]
Jan. 10th, 2006 10:31 pm (UTC)
You fed me a dog biscuit? I totally forgot about that!! But then again I've forgot about a lot of crap since then.
Jan. 10th, 2006 10:33 pm (UTC)
ha! i'm glad you forgot about it (and woeful that i reminded you of it). i think that shit will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Jan. 10th, 2006 10:36 pm (UTC)
It's all good! I'm gonna add you to my friends list if that's cool with you.
Jan. 11th, 2006 01:29 am (UTC)
cool as cool can be (i already added you without asking lol)

i thought you had another lj at one point?
Jan. 11th, 2006 06:18 am (UTC)
Yeah I had a couple but I deleted them so this is my only one now.
Jan. 10th, 2006 10:34 pm (UTC)
i don't know if i ever said i was sorry, but i am. i honestly and truly am.
Jan. 10th, 2006 10:39 pm (UTC)
Re: PS
It's fine, it really is!

Trust me, I've had worse done to me in my 23 years, but thanks for the apology anyways. I accept.
( 10 comments — Say Something )

Latest Month

February 2012


Page Summary

Powered by LiveJournal.com