sWell (shakewell) wrote,

how to not be an obsessive girlfriend

my personalized google homepage hooks me up with all kinds of useful links: news, weather, movie show times, words of the day and, most amusingly, wiki how to's. you wouldn't believe the crap they have how to's on. from how to buy your own island to how to beatbox, it's all there. anyway, i came across this one today and thought it might be of some use to some of you, as well as me (since i'm an obsessive girlfriend, even when i'm single).


1. give him space. if he wants to hang out with friends, encourage it. let him know that you want him to have a good time and to spend as much time with them as he'd like. (then follow step 4.) if you have to, fake it. there are times when we would really rather spend that time with our man than have him out with his friends, however forcing him to spend time with you results in his pulling further away. if you're able to encourage and support his time away it will reinforce his belief that you want what is best for him, and in the long run it will strengthen your relationship.

2. take time for yourself. visit friends, family, take a class, anything you find interesting or would like to learn. Do this even if you have to tear yourself away from your man. he should be supportive of you, and encourage your interests, too. focusing only on the one you love isn't living; it's also about personal growth and experiencing new things. taking time for yourself isn't selfish. if you aren't the best person you can be, then you can't expect to be the person you need to be for your significant other.

3. keep your hobbies and friends. all of us tend to become obsessive at the beginning of a relationship. the key to a healthy relationship is balance. couples need time apart to reestablish their individual identities. remind yourself of who you are by reconnecting with friends/relatives, or picking up those old hobbies you've been setting aside. suggest that he do the same. this is a simple way to show him that you are confident and interesting (even if you don't feel very confident or interesting). suggest to him that he go out with his friends while you visit with yours. or even suggest he work on his hobby or interest while you take time for yours.

4. set up days or times to reconnect after asking for time apart. this is simple and very effective. after asking for time apart, set up a time and day to reconnect. for instance, if one of you wants to hang out with friends for the day, suggest that you could meet him later for dinner. or suggest a time the following day, and an activity, in which the both of you could get together. this gives both people in the relationship permission to enjoy their time apart, while also giving each of you a grounding point, or rather a reassurance in knowing you will see the other person and they wish to see you.

5. reaffirm who you are and why you are special. do those things that you do best. if you're not sure, try everything. if you're feeling less then confident, or insecure in your relationship, sometimes it helps to go back to something that created a sense of accomplishment. don't look for confidence from your partner, find it within yourself. to do this, seek out those things which you can succeed at.

6. suggest he take time for his hobbies and interests. the key is to allow him to choose by assuring him you want to spend time with him, but letting him know you understand the importance of his hobbies and interests, too. let him know that you can and will find activities to occupy yourself while he enjoys his time. this frees him from feeling guilty for taking that time for himself. you create a bonding situation by suggesting that the both of you go to stores that are of interest to him. for example, if he enjoys video games, suggest a trip to the video game store. help him look for games he wants, or maybe is interested in. Then give him space to use those games.

7. know when to back off. learn his body language. ask questions. listen to what he is saying. men don't always come out and say how they feel, and may not tell you even if you ask. Listen to what your gut instinct is telling you. if you feel he is pulling away, don't force yourself on him more. a woman's tendency is to be clingier at this point. the problem is it drives men away. a possible solution involves letting him know you are available when he wants, while finding other things to do with your time, or discuss the situation with him.


* hang up the phone. if you're calling him 24 hours a day, stop. in worst case scenarios, turn your phone off. it's okay to call and see how his day is, but if you're calling every couple of hours, this could reinforce his belief that you have nothing else going on in your life. people are attracted to interesting people. if your only interest is him, then he's going to lose interest in you. some ideas to refrain from grabbing the phone are: call a friend, take a nap, go for a walk and pick flowers for him, learn something new that you can discuss with him later, learn more about his hobbies/interests through research.

* start a journal. write your feelings, not what you did during the day. try to discover why you feel a certain way. insecurity often leads people to act in ways that men would describe as crazy. if you're worried about losing him, dig deep into why you feel that way. not how is he acting, but why YOU are concerned about losing him. fear of being alone? fear of rejection? a journal is a place where you can explore your thoughts and feelings without having to set them in stone. it should be an area where you can express every possible emotion without fearing recrimination. once on paper, re-examine it, does it still sound true to you? what can you do so that you won't fear rejection or loneliness, and can become more confident in who you are?

* create something for him while you are apart. coupon booklets, poems, songs, letters, certificates of appreciation...

* stop following him when you aren't together. don't follow him when he says he's going to a friend's house so that you can check up on him. this is an instant message to him that you don't trust him. men aren't stupid; they see your car parked down the street.

* create situations that have an ending point. for instance, you want to hang out with him during the afternoon, ask him if he's interested and then suggest that after the outing he can drop you off at your house. this gives him the freedom to decide if he would like to spend the rest of the evening with you, instead of feeling as if he's trapped into spending it with you.

* communication. ask questions and then listen. clarify anything you may not understand by asking questions.

* quality time, not quantity time. use the time you do have together wisely. ask yourself if you'd rather have 8 hours of mediocre time with him, or 2 hours of fantastic time together.

* trust. obsessive behavior usually stems from a feeling of mistrust. unfortunately trust can only be built over time, but you must have a basis to build from. if you don't feel you can trust him while he is away, discuss this with him. also, ask yourself why you feel this way? what is he doing to cause this mistrust in you? is it his actions, or are you drawing from past experiences? what can you do to help you face this fear?

* approach all arguments or discussions with an open mind. be willing to listen and understand his side.

* remember that each relationship is different, and no two people are alike.


* seek help if you are in an abusive situation, or if you find that your infatuation with this person is consuming your life.

* protect yourself first. if you are concerned he may be sleeping with someone else, don't have sex. if you are going to have sex, use a condom
Tags: how to
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