sWell (shakewell) wrote,

i don't know where this is coming from

[note: this is the kind of thing that would have gone in the other journal. it's a rant. it's raw. and this is the extent of all the talking about it i care to do.]

what the fuck is my fucking problem? why is he even a blip on my radar when i have completely fallen off the face of his earth? this seriously makes me sick. i have a boy desperate to spend time with me. i have a boy who can't go a day without trying to talk to me. i have a boy who brings me pizza whenever i want it. i have a boy who considers me unattainable perfection and only wants to understand me.

and i have a boy (in the most childish sense of the word) who doesn't even want to communicate with me, whose last communication was all about how i was all he wanted, all he needed, all he thought about.

i am
so easy
to forget.

i tell myself i only want to yell at him for lying again. i want him to learn, to be better, to grow, to change. but i would never do it. he would call on me and i would thank him.

i hope he never calls again.

why the fuck do i need his fucking validation when i can't fucking stand the person he's become!?

why do i need to know he is alright? why do i need to help him? why him at all, when he so obviously doesn't need me or want me?

words on the screen, behind this machine, in this room, i am fearless. i am clear-headed. i say what i mean and i know i have to say it here, because i haven't got the stones to confront it in real life. my god, i would deny it. i know i would. i would railroad every ideal i've ever held with that nervous contraption called a mouth, fueled by 23 years of pent up anxiety and fear. out there i am weak, crippled by that desperate desire to be loved, conditioned by the twisted moral code of thieves and robbers who believe they can wrench love from you in the form of pity--only they choose not to acknowledge it's any less of an appreciation.

i wish he'd give me what i really deserve--a savage beating and a miserable existence indebted to his benevolence. ha.
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