it's funny, in the car, i'm closed off from the things around me, isolated, but i feel as though i'm trapped. on my bike, inches from the pavement, with the wind in my ears, i am engulfed by them. immersed in them.
but i'm freed by them.
tonight, i felt alive again. sure, i felt like i was dying, but you have to be alive for that. and i was. and i felt like i could beat the pain. i could plow through the wind. i could force the breath into my lungs. i could force my legs to keep pedaling. i could shut out all the i can'ts and i don'ts and i trieds. it wasn't even i could or i should or i will. it was just i am.
and i was. i did.
tonight, i will beat this insomnia and i will sleep like the dead. because, today, i finally moved on like the living.
i am pure, unadulterated, motive power when i want to be. and the harder the work, the more rewarding the rest.
it was damn cold tonight (google says 46 degrees fahrenheit.), but i couldn't tell until i stopped. i wrecked my muscles and my digestive track, but i didn't notice until i stopped. so, there's the trick.
big ups to speedway for hooking me up for free air when i guess it's not actually free anymore. and mad, mad props to the guy who helped me put air in my tires after i somehow deflated them completely. (40 minutes of strenuous exercise kind of does a number on my brain function.)
also, a couple of really close calls and miraculously lucky escapes have me thinking my night vision is even worse than i imagined. (while i've always imagined it was pretty bad, i also always thought i was really just imagining it.) i came fucking centimeters away from wiping out over a curb in front of the god damned dorms as i was trying to speed past a herd of guys lurking out side. i totally thought there was a ramp. there wasn't. also, there was gravel. it would have been such a bad wreck, no way i could have ridden home or probably even walked.
jesus, i'm fucking lucky.