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just a quick flick of the wrist and i could end it all. it was the ice and the snow. the glare on the window. changing the radio station and making a call. maybe they'd always wonder, but at least they'd have a way out. an option that allowed them to pretend i haven't been begging for this all along.


when are they going to realize that i have zero self-respect. nothing i do matters to me at all. i'm a slave to the moment not to the future. most of what i do, while enjoyable at the time, is really just a not-so-subconscious attempt to set myself up for something that will finally legitimize my one not-so-secret wish.

he thinks the night we shared together was something special that brought us closer together. he doesn't realize that if i got pregnant from stupid, unprotected sex with him, that would be all i need to get serious about the end. i wouldn't tell him he was going to be a father. we wouldn't have a totally madison wedding. i wouldn't ask what he thought i should do. there would be no question.


i didn't mean to hurt him that night. it never even crossed my mind. as it started, i knew that it was going to be trouble, but i guess i thought i would never let it go so far. historically speaking, i definitely should have known better.

but it just goes to show you, a night of sex is a night of sex. it's irrelevant whether it's with the boy who loves me unconditionally or the boy who finds me completely unattractive in every way.

i've told him that i don't want a relationship with anyone anymore. and, if i did, he would be the last person on earth. but he doesn't hear me. he doesn't see what i'm doing with my life. he's in love with the concept of who i used to be and who i could be again.

"I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours."

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February 2012


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