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breaking the mold [miraasan]

i woke up this morning with a smear of blood caked on my lips reminding me of that awkward kiss goodbye and that foolish fall on the sidewalk as i pretended not to be watching his tail lights shrink and turn away.

he said, "you don't seem like the marrying type" and, though i agree, i find myself wanting to disprove him. i'm shying away from my inclination to allow myself to be infatuated with him simply because he isn't infatuated with me and i know there's no hope of a successful relationship, but i won't pretend the urge isn't there.

i'm always trying to break out of the form in which people envision me. it isn't because i'm trying to be something and their limits hold me back from that goal, it's just because i don't ever want to be what people think i am. i don't want to believe that i'm so easy to interpret and understand.

if they tell me i can do something, i won't do it. what's the point in proving what everyone believes to be true? but if they tell me i can't, i'm determined to prove them wrong. the problem is, they all think i'm so talented and capable. aside from my pre-calc teacher, i can't remember anyone who's ever told me they didn't think i could be successful in any endeavor i chose.

so, i've chosen nothingness and failure. and i'm more successful than they could have ever imagined.

thinking hard on this, i wonder, if someone--let's say, my dad--told me he'd given up hope of my ever obtaining a degree or maintaining gainful employment, would i set out to prove him wrong or would i give up the fight? it's hard to say. i can really see it going either way.

and there's the problem with determining self-worth and self-image through other peoples' perspectives. maybe no one will ever say the right words. maybe they'll come at the wrong time. maybe i won't be listening. maybe i just won't hear them at all.

i should just decide what kind of person i want to be ideally and strive to be that. i should appreciate those who appreciate me and ignore those who don't. i should hope to influence others to embody my ideals, but i should not judge those who do not.

so, to what ends does my spirit aspire?

Comments

( 1 comment — Say Something )
shakewell
Nov. 3rd, 2005 07:38 pm (UTC)
menlie 2005-06-14 09:59 am UTC
i think you write beautifully. i think you're an amazing person.
( 1 comment — Say Something )

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