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hope without hope [miraasan]

i was hoping to make a more regular habit of writing in this journal, but a lot of factors are working against that goal. in addition, i frequently feel that i'm just rehashing the same old garbage. sure, sometimes revisions are made and insights gained, but most of the time it's just plain old repetition.

i guess that fact that i don't want to rant and wail about all the things that have always bothered me is a good sign. i'm becoming less volatile, less prone to extremes. the depression seems milder now, less frequent, less enduring.

the weird thing is, i think i'm more hopeless now than i have been at any other time in my life.

what used to depress me was that nothing was every as wonderful as i thought it should be. it broke my heart to see things/people realizing nothing but the base of their potential.

i guess now i don't think people really have all that much potential after all. not people my age and older. they are who they are and that's not really going to change fundamentally. so, i've resolved not to rue the impossible.

my critics will declare this pessimism at it's worst, but they'll have to turn their lives around dramatically before they can disprove my theory.

after this weekend, i debated making the argument here that most of my friends aren't my friends at all. (yes, that tired old diatribe) they're users and abusers. they're fleeting, fickle phantoms who whisk in and out of my life like the wind. but i'm not better. probably much worse than most.

and so, gone the way of that fantastic notion of love is the term friend.

the somewhat indescribably feeling of family is all that i'm left with.

it's bothersome that i hope to someday have a family of my own, while i sincerely doubt i will ever love another man. perhaps it wouldn't be so difficult if i could just a like-minded man who wouldn't fall in love with me, because that's where the trouble is. i'm too honest not to tell a man i will never love him. and they're all too emotional to compromise on that.

i suppose you probably can't maintain a successful marriage if you treat it like a business. that's not true. i suppose you can. but i know that's ludicrous in a society such as ours.

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