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forever alone [miraasan]

i want nothing more than to be happy for them being happy together, but i can't help but wish it were me.

it's not her. it's not him. it's all me and all the thems everywhere. ben and jess, thur and kat, micah and ingrid, whitney and stephen, steve and dena, katie and corey, keri and andy, lauren and dave, ben and brian, chris and alice, larry and trysta, eli and alex, kat and chuwie.

i don't care if they're happy. it doesn't matter. because they're not alone. and i could be so happy in just that, in not being alone.

i think of all the people i passed over looking for something amazing. good people. smart people. loving people. thoughtful people. honest people. sexy people. reliable people. kind people.

but where is amazing? he's not here next to me. is he out there? doubtful.

i mean, now i think everyone is amazing in some little way. but now all the slightly amazing people find me too depressed, too cynical, too pessimistic, too tired, too sad.

i am not amazing at all.

jesus, i'm not really this depressed. i'm just lonely. and there's no end in sight. and my biological clock keeps me up nights. and i lie there, alone, fretting over what a long road it is to that life i want so badly.

i've got a late start. i haven't even started yet. i can't start for two years. and even when i get going, i'm afraid i'll still have all this baggage holding me back. but i can't let go.

christ. fuck women's lib.

Comments

( 1 comment — Say Something )
shakewell
Nov. 3rd, 2005 07:22 pm (UTC)
beatfreak 2005-02-24 01:37 am UTC "Where is Amazing"
I read this entry a while ago, and thought about the "amazing guy" thing quite a bit, trying to figure out how to make sense of it.
It's something that everyone looks for, I think, but at this point in my life I think I'd tend to believe that the "amazing" part is something that takes time to see in someone. I think the "amazing" part is the part that develops once you find someone you really like, and whose faults and conflicts with you are tolerable, get through all of their bullshit and accept that, regardless of the bullshit, they are amazing.
The guys I've dated or wanted to date who I immediately thought "God, he's amazing" turned out not to be that... he always turned out to be pretty fucked up, or else totally wrong for me in the end.
"Amazing," I think, doesn't just turn up and sweep you off your feet. In my experience, he shows up, freaks you out, fucks with your head a little, for a moment makes you think that no matter how much you love each other, you might just not be able to make things work, then one day something clicks and suddenly he's Amazing.
( 1 comment — Say Something )

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