sWell (shakewell) wrote,

forever alone [miraasan]

i want nothing more than to be happy for them being happy together, but i can't help but wish it were me.

it's not her. it's not him. it's all me and all the thems everywhere. ben and jess, thur and kat, micah and ingrid, whitney and stephen, steve and dena, katie and corey, keri and andy, lauren and dave, ben and brian, chris and alice, larry and trysta, eli and alex, kat and chuwie.

i don't care if they're happy. it doesn't matter. because they're not alone. and i could be so happy in just that, in not being alone.

i think of all the people i passed over looking for something amazing. good people. smart people. loving people. thoughtful people. honest people. sexy people. reliable people. kind people.

but where is amazing? he's not here next to me. is he out there? doubtful.

i mean, now i think everyone is amazing in some little way. but now all the slightly amazing people find me too depressed, too cynical, too pessimistic, too tired, too sad.

i am not amazing at all.

jesus, i'm not really this depressed. i'm just lonely. and there's no end in sight. and my biological clock keeps me up nights. and i lie there, alone, fretting over what a long road it is to that life i want so badly.

i've got a late start. i haven't even started yet. i can't start for two years. and even when i get going, i'm afraid i'll still have all this baggage holding me back. but i can't let go.

christ. fuck women's lib.

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