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motionless emotion [miraasan]

at first it was just a block on new emotions for new people. now the old feelings are fading too. i don't know if it's just because i'm so busy and so tired or if i'm scared of getting hurt again. i'm drifting further toward my already somewhat off-kilter general disinterest in people's daily lives. it's not even that i just don't care anymore; it's that it actually causes me stress and discomfort to listen. i guess i'm tired of wasting my time on all the little things with people. i don't even have time for the little things in my life anymore.

and my new relationships. jesus. they're completely devoid of sincere interest. i'm just satisfying needs and so are they. it doesn't make me feel bad that they don't care. i don't care either.

i guess i'm all loved out.

so much for lofty ideals and great expectations.

sometimes i think they only way it could have worked was if i already had someone serious now. i don't have time these days for the little things and the rituals. i can't be bothered with the stupid games people play.

i'll be 25 when i graduate. i'll be working full-time until then. summers school and student teaching. i'm not ever going to have time for those games again.

and somehow i'm supposed to court and marry a guy so i can start popping out babies before i'm 30. right...

it's never going to happen. i have no doubt that i will settle out of fear after graduation. how depressing.

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