it's funny that the one decision i'd never questioned, i'd always been sure of, is the one i can't even consider following through with now. i guess i've changed. or maybe i never really knew what it would take. maybe you have to be very, very strong to choose that path. or maybe it's the coward's way out.
i don't know.
but even though i can't see how this can possibly work out in the end, it still seems like the right thing to do. maybe you can't plan every last detail of your life after all.
of course, there's still a chance that i'm wrong. what then? will i go on pretending that i'm happy in this life? in the here and now?
happy isn't the word. satisfied is what i mean.
and if i'm right? could i really do it alone? would i have to? would i anyway?
would they laugh? say i got what i deserved? forget that they made the same mistakes and the same decisions? probably. everyone is jerks like that.
i guess i figure i'm running out of time. if not now, when? ever? now certainly isn't the best time. there's no doubt about that. at least it's not the worst time. and maybe the perfect time never comes, just like the perfect man, so you have to settle for good enough.
i feel like i should be more scared. or scared at all really. but i sort of feel lucky about it all. maybe i need a reality check.
yeah. i probably do.