i was sitting out side of my geometry professor's office waiting for him to finish lecture so he could sign my drop slip, when up walked my discrete professor, who, as it turns out, shares that office. it was my plan to also drop discrete, but i was not at all prepared for this confrontation with vlad, as i had been rehearsing my spiel for patrick in my head at that very moment. i was also seeking advice from eli via cell phone.
"i have been wondering what happened to you," vlad informed me. "what do you need?" i explained that i was actually waiting for patrick. "i was worried," he divulged. "it seemed like it was very easy for you, but then you did not come back." he informed me that i had not missed the second exam and would be just fine since i've taken statistics. he had absolute confidence in me. i didn't have the heart to ask him to sign the drop slip after that. to top it off, he was concerned about me personally.
i could kill myself right now.
when patrick arrived, i just handed him my slip and bailed on the spiel.
"i'm dropping your class," i said plainly.
"i missed your face in class," he said not exactly in response. "i noticed your..."
"absence?" i interjected.
"you were doing excellent work," he stated.
and i was floored.
seriously, what the fuck is so wrong with me that two extremely intelligent mathematicians can think i am doing so well so easily, but have no doubt that i'm an absolute failure with no hope for progress--ever?
i wish i could see what other people see.
i wish i could believe the truth.
i guess this depression is more of a debilitating disease than i ever realized. i can't keep going on like this. i'm wasting time. i'm wasting money.
everything is there. it's right there. i know it. but i'm afraid to follow through. what if it's not what they expected? what if it's not good enough? what if it doesn't last?
a failure is better than a quitter. at least you tried.
are dreams best left unrealized or just not attempted?
the answers are so easy, but even when i say them they still feel inherently wrong.
and if, in the end, everyone dies alone anyway, why don't i just do what i want to do? i guess because i don't care about my potential. i don't even want to be in college right now. i barely even want to teach anymore. (i'm quickly realizing it is not for me at all.) but i'm still seeking validation from mom and pop. this is what they want me to be doing. it's the first time ever i feel like they've taken any sort of interest in my life. i've been waiting a long time for that. it sucks that they're interested in something i'm not, but at least they're paying attention.
i wish i didn't need that so much.
jesus fucking christ i just want to be loved. but i have this feeling i'm always going to feel alone for the rest of my life and all because mom and dad were never there for me. i mean i want to believe anyone can get over anything, but shit. i'm still fighting this battle. i didn't even realize exactly that my issues with school had anything to do with that but here we are againg and GOD am i sick of it!
and maybe all this dropping out is simply acting out so ic an get a little more attention until everyone just gets fed up with me giving up all the time.
it's the same with all the baby business. a baby would love me for a little while at least. and to guilt some guy into loving me too, well, hey, that'll do in a pinch.
i'm a leech. and it digusts me. a parasite. unable to sustain my own life. i need others. need them for everything.