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we're both guilty. still in love with what we thought we knew (but didn't). we were never in love with who we really were.

i loved what i though you could be. i loathed what you became.

civil acquaintances aside, i don't see the point in trying to force an honest friendship where one never really existed in the first place. as always, my mind is open for anything. there's no telling what changes are yet to come. but there's no need to suffer the drama hanging on to the hope of a chance.

whatever will be will be.

you talk about still being friends like we used to be.

can we still be friends like we were when i admitted my sins and you lied to my face? or when you stole from me? can we hang on to what we were those nights that you cheated on me? do you really want to stay in a place where you take the most sacred and important aspect of my life and use it to hurt me out, just of spite?

gradually, you're coming around to the idea that i'm not who you thought i was. maybe someday you'll also see that neither of us was who we said we were or who the other imagined us to be.

we pretended to have a friendship then, because it was easier than telling the truth--to eachother and ourselves. it's always easier than the real thing.

risk nothing, lose nothing.

we can always be at that level of friendship then, if that's what you choose, but the real friendship, not the show. my life is all about honesty now and you can love it or leave it.

never again will i compromise who i am for who you think i should be.


Nov. 3rd, 2005 07:04 pm (UTC)
jo3 2005-04-29 05:01 am UTC
force an honest friendship where one never really existed in the first place

this is almost as bad as me saying i never loved you in the first place.

fes up. we are great people. unfrounately, we weren't made for each other.
Nov. 3rd, 2005 07:04 pm (UTC)
miraasan 2005-04-29 10:23 am UTC perhaps
but i'm beginning to believe you never did really love me in the first place

at least, you didn't love me for who i was at that point in time
and you loved the things i could do for you
not me, just me

after all the times i caught you lying to me and others about how you felt about me, i have no doubt that our friendship was far from honest. you never could stick to your guns about that most important aspect of our relationship, about it's fundamental state of being

and i am gulity too, of loving what could have been instead of what was
of sacrificing myself hoping to curry favor with you
trying to force you to love me i suppose

the point of this was only that we were never (or rarely) truly honest with one another as friends should be. we were ben and jess. we were amber and phil. superficial pacification.

i expect more than that.

i don't need you to tell me we weren't made for each other. i've been well aware for qutie a while (since the beginning perhaps). it was you who was so desperate to hold on. however, i'm glad you finally convinced yourself of the truth. your obsequious fawning was embarassing for us both.

but you have done a great deal of harm in the short time i've known you and made a great deal of mistakes. i will not confess that you are yet great in any other way. potentials abound, but my faith in you is worn quite thin.

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