if i haven't had a breakdown yet, i can feel one is not far off. locked inside this apartment, i find myself in the mirror again, staring at a stranger. i am trapped like a deer in headlights. then i see it; i'm shaking my head. i glance at the clock and calculate the time i am missing.
another break in this broke down palace.
it's not that i want to die. it's just so damn hard to find a reason to go on living. i mean, i just can't win. no one can, of course, but other people seem to be ok with that. me, i'm stuck trying to find a reason for it all.
i finally made the empowered choice to stand up for myself and get out of a bad situation. i have no qualms with that choice, whatsoever. i wouldn't change my mind if i had the opportunity.
but it doesn't change the fact that choosing my own happiness always seems to entail the implicit choice of someone else's unhappiness. my personal satisfaction is so quickly overrun by the guilt of causing harm in every personal relationship i participate in.
yet, i still try to determine my own self-worth through the the positive effects i have upon other people's lives. we all know how completely unrewarding that path was.
if i could just stop straddling the fence on this, i could be ok.
but i don't think i'll ever change.