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fracture site [miraasan]

the prescribed anorexia has decompensated into willful bulimia.

if i haven't had a breakdown yet, i can feel one is not far off. locked inside this apartment, i find myself in the mirror again, staring at a stranger. i am trapped like a deer in headlights. then i see it; i'm shaking my head. i glance at the clock and calculate the time i am missing.

another break in this broke down palace.

it's not that i want to die. it's just so damn hard to find a reason to go on living. i mean, i just can't win. no one can, of course, but other people seem to be ok with that. me, i'm stuck trying to find a reason for it all.

i finally made the empowered choice to stand up for myself and get out of a bad situation. i have no qualms with that choice, whatsoever. i wouldn't change my mind if i had the opportunity.

but it doesn't change the fact that choosing my own happiness always seems to entail the implicit choice of someone else's unhappiness. my personal satisfaction is so quickly overrun by the guilt of causing harm in every personal relationship i participate in.

yet, i still try to determine my own self-worth through the the positive effects i have upon other people's lives. we all know how completely unrewarding that path was.

if i could just stop straddling the fence on this, i could be ok.

but i don't think i'll ever change.

Comments

( 2 comments — Say Something )
shakewell
Nov. 3rd, 2005 06:54 pm (UTC)
stewbot 2005-07-03 07:29 pm UTC
you at least could have waited until after my birthday or at least till I was sober enough to understand what was going on. I still don't know what I did that night to make you leave me drunk and confused in the parking lot but I hope your new friends work out for you. I don't think you'll ever fucking change either.
shakewell
Nov. 3rd, 2005 06:55 pm (UTC)
miraasan 2005-07-03 08:28 pm UTC
you're a drunken asshole on your birthday, and i should have just kept my mouth shut and forgotten all about it. i'm (arguably) a drunken asshole in response to you, and i'm a hopeless bitch. hell, i wasn't even that mean to you, but i did want to get out of a situation where you were treating me like a total shit. i'm not going to apologize for that. i shouldn't have to.

and i'm so sure all my new poser scene kids will work out just fine because really all i need them for is to make a name for myself in the house scene, right?

i hope someday you'll learn to excercise some self-restraint and will quit leaning on the excessive drug use as an excuse for being a dick. good luck with that.
( 2 comments — Say Something )

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