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foaf [miraasan]

this summer has brought on several new acquaintances by way of friends of friends. we exchange laughs and stories and phone numbers and drugs and even saliva in a couple of rare cases, but i just don't feel like i can really count these people into my own circle of friends yet. i say yet, because i hope that it's just one of those "matter of time" things, but i'm not entirely sure that it is.

hell, even one of these people who's introducing me to others doesn't really feel like a friend. i mean, we're open and honest and i am pretty sure we trust each other and we support each other when we can and we're all the things a friendship should be in my book, but it just doesn't feel real to me somehow.

i guess it's just a lack of history, a lack of proof of solidity. maybe all friendships feel this way. jeez, the more i think about it, maybe none of my friendships feel real anyway, not even the oldest.

it seems like at one point in my life these relationships did feel real or did feel like something, but maybe that's just a figment of my imagination. maybe i just really wanted them to and i pretended they did.

anyway, it's one thing when you're feeling diconnected and lonely when you're living your life in almost complete solitude, but it's odd to be surrounded by good, fun, loving people and still feel like you can't connect to anyone or anything in any substantial way.

that reminds me; i like to wear my glasses when i'm putting myself into stressful, uncomfortable or just new social situations. the line of the frames in my vision gives me this sense of distance from the stressors, a completely imagined sense of safety and security. i used to be able to wear them all the time and in front of all people, but last week at the vapour lounge i found myself having to take them off around someone becuase they made me feel like a liar and a big jerk.

the really weird thing is, this is the same person i was referring to above as not seeming like a real friend. it's not that i'm more comfortable with this person than anyone else i've ever encountered (though i am comfortable), it's that i have no desire to be anything but completely honest because i finally feel like i've found someone who appreciates and understands the importance of that.

how can this not be friend material?

but what does it matter. fuck the reasons. fuck the labels. fuck the feelings. things just are what they are.

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