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*call waiting* [miraasan]

i stopped writing here because i felt it was compromised after stew and i broke up. i don't know if it is or it isn't. i don't think it really matters. my whole life is compromised at the moment. i can't think of one person outside of my family who hasn't betrayed my trust one way or another. not that it really matters, because i'm not really trying to hide parts of my life from people. i just need time to warm up to the idea of people knowing these things about me; i need them not to walk up to me at work and call me a slut, alcoholic or drug addict. i like holding the keys to all knowledge of me.

but it doesn't work that way. i need to learn to deal with that.

yesterday was just so hilarious. i called all the people who always made me promise to call (except the two that changed their minds and agreed that i was better off dead). then i called everyone else, because no one was answering my calls. [caller id is a bitch.] i tried to leave perky, friendly messages, but i think the people who knew me all those years ago (and haven't spoken to me much since) could easily figure out what was up.

then i just felt like a complete asshole for trying to use these people for consolation when i hadn't been there for them in years (if ever). chances are good that i pushed them away when i was down and out then, because, apparently, that's my modus operandi.

you know, if i had someone close left, i'm sure they could have seen. i started drinking and driving a month ago (--a choice made while still sober). no call/no show. drastic haircut. spent all my savings. went after a guy i said i could never be interested in who told me he wasn't interested in me at all (especially after the haircut). but, even when i let people get close, they're never the kind that see the pattern. i'm sure i work that out subconsciously.

so, once again, i realized (if you're going to treat people like i do especially) the only one you can count on is yourself.

i thought'd i'd gotten just a little bit better. but i haven't. i don't think i ever will.

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