but it doesn't work that way. i need to learn to deal with that.
yesterday was just so hilarious. i called all the people who always made me promise to call (except the two that changed their minds and agreed that i was better off dead). then i called everyone else, because no one was answering my calls. [caller id is a bitch.] i tried to leave perky, friendly messages, but i think the people who knew me all those years ago (and haven't spoken to me much since) could easily figure out what was up.
then i just felt like a complete asshole for trying to use these people for consolation when i hadn't been there for them in years (if ever). chances are good that i pushed them away when i was down and out then, because, apparently, that's my modus operandi.
you know, if i had someone close left, i'm sure they could have seen. i started drinking and driving a month ago (--a choice made while still sober). no call/no show. drastic haircut. spent all my savings. went after a guy i said i could never be interested in who told me he wasn't interested in me at all (especially after the haircut). but, even when i let people get close, they're never the kind that see the pattern. i'm sure i work that out subconsciously.
so, once again, i realized (if you're going to treat people like i do especially) the only one you can count on is yourself.
i thought'd i'd gotten just a little bit better. but i haven't. i don't think i ever will.