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i don't believe in secrets and subterfuge. i don't believe it's healthy to be a different person around different people. i don't believe in levels of friendship. i treat you as my friend or i treat you as my acquaintance or i treat you to nothing at all. i don't believe it's my fault that people who did not know me trusted me with secrets they wanted to keep but spread to me, then heard them spill from my mouth and watched them ooze from my fingertips. i can't meet expectations if i don't know them. i won't be something for you i don't agree with personally and you have no right to ask me to do it. i don't believe in keeping friends who want to hide the person i know from the rest of the world. there's no way to know who's getting lied to.

people hate me. people love me. but they love and hate the real me. they know exactly who i am because i put it all out there every day. you can love a lie, but it will break your heart in the end. and you can live a lie, but i don't doubt you'll pay a solemn price for that in the end as well, though i have no way of knowing.

they say my fault is that i'm opinionated, that i exercise my right to speak too much. i am opinionated. we all are. and i always speak my mind. we all should. it's a sad state of affairs when friendship means keeping your mouth shut about something that is bothering you. isn't that the exact opposite of what friendship should be?

what's laughable is that is that poison_needle still doesn't see the correlation between what i do here and what she does when she chastises me for it. don't get me wrong, i respect her right to do it. i just don't see how she thinks she's any different.

what's odd is that she still refers to herself in the third person. i never did understand why she did that and i can't understand why she still does.

the pity for my lack of friends and family is insidious. as though i should compromise the core of my personality to be more agreeable to people who find me pathetic and disgusting. well, as luck would have it i don't value my life by the opinions of others and no longer aim to please the entire earth population. in addition, i am perfectly content with my handful of tried and true friends who love me just the way i am (and throughout all my metamorphoses). of course, i can always trade them in for a man to tell me i'm too smart but not pretty enough and a neighborhood of stepford wives to tell me i don't love my children as much as they love theirs (or that i don't even know what love is because i haven't had children). or, perhaps, i'll cast them aside for a man who won't let me like anything that he doesn't like and doesn't believe in a woman having friends of her own.

i do want a family, but i'm not going to start one because i can. i'm going to start one because i've found someone with whom i can share it, without compromising my goals for it or myself. i'm not going to find out i'm ready because i have to be. i'm going to be ready first and responsible until then. and i'm not going to feel sorry for myself if it never happens for me because while caring for a family can add worth to your life, not doing so doesn't detract from it. (unless of course you do have a family, but you don't care for it.) it is up to me to determine where my best efforts will be best suited to my own personal strengths. no one will make me feel like less of a person because i wasn't designed to do what they do.

that's the glory of being human--knowledge, consciousness and the ability to choose your own destiny.

so, for the sake of my friends and myself i will continue to be true to myself, honest with everyone and courageous enough to talk about it. however, thanks for voicing your opinion again, poison_needle. obviously, i have not come to share your opinion (do you really want me to be disgusted with myself too?), but i have solidified many of my own in reflecting upon it and i find that very rewarding.

poison_needle:It always seems to me that you have an opinion about everyone and then when people get offended you feel as though you had all rights to expose and shut down the people who thought they could trust you with their secrets and such. You did it to kat. I saw that one. You exposed her and James with their finacial(sic) problems. You have the right of speech but do you always HAVE to use it. You would still have a lot of friends if you didnt always strip everyone down. I am not mad at you at all but I do feel sorry for you. I am afraid that you will never have a family. I dont know if it is what you want but I know there have been times that it was something you desired. Please for your sake and the sake of your "friends" just stop being so dramatically opinionated. Its almost disgusting at times.

Comments

( 3 comments — Say Something )
poison_needle
Sep. 26th, 2005 06:54 pm (UTC)
I never meant to chastise you. I havent been checking your journal and I just recently did for the first time in a while. It probably wasnt one of my better ideas. I was just trying to display my concern for you and once again you find any way you can to tear me down. What you should have posted and didnt is the email that I wrote to you after you replied to my journal explaining myself and my apology and wishful thinking, as well as my invite to see our daughter again.

"I do want a family, but i'm not going to start one because i can. i'm going to start one because i've found someone with whom i can share it, without compromising my goals for it or myself. i'm not going to find out i'm ready because i have to be. i'm going to be ready first and responsible until then. and i'm not going to feel sorry for myself if it never happens for me because while caring for a family can add worth to your life, not doing so doesn't detract from it. (unless of course you do have a family, but you don't care for it.) it is up to me to determine where my best efforts will be best suited to my own personal strengths. no one will make me feel like less of a person because i wasn't designed to do what they do."

All I said was that if a family is what you want I hope you get it. I know that at one point it is what you wanted. Once again I was showing my concern. I wont apologize for caring but I will apologize for letting you know that i still did. Once again I opened myself up to get shut down again when I knew better.
shakewell
Sep. 26th, 2005 08:21 pm (UTC)
you never meant to chastise
you only meant to tell me you pity me and find me almost disgusting at times. your brought up the same old shit that you said you didn't care about anymore to what? to make me feel bad for being how i am. you're concern is getting covered up by your pity and loathing.

as for the family bit, i never said (nor meant to imply) that you said any of that and i don't believe i did.

so, chelsea, your concern that i won't be able to live my life as you've lived yours is overwhelming, but, as we've already discussed, that is not one of my goals. i love the honesty i promise to the people in my life and i couldn't live with myself if i had to sugar-coat everything just to make friends with people like you who don't want to know the truth. i'm not that desperate for socialization. besides, i'm fairly certain that you once told me that this sort of behavior was exactly the wrong way to go about showing people that you care about them.

write back when you get your story straight. or is it ok for you, but not for me?

and how on earth can you possibly think that with a voice mail and an invitation to a birthday party all this would be fixed. obviously, you still do not accept me for who i am and you continue to be a total hypocrite about it. and last i heard, you weren't sorry for what you said/did. you were sorry you ever met me and ever considered me a friend. oh, and how could i forget, i was dead to you and your family forever.

it'll take a little more than voice mail to apoologize and move on from that.
poison_needle
Sep. 29th, 2005 12:44 am (UTC)
Re: you never meant to chastise
I apologized for that whole thing about it being disgusting. Like I said I wrote that whole reply out of anger and accidently sent it. I didnt get a chace to think about it and revise it. I understand you being upset about that. I didnt expect things to be ok between us just by inviting you to Phoenix's birthday party. I was trying to make the first step into the right direction. Everyone makes mistakes and I am trying to learn from mine. I also never said you should live your life like I have lived mine. I was just trying to be just as honest as you when I said I hope you get what you want out of life whether that means you have a family of your own or not. I was trying to say something nice and I especially meant it. I see that I made another mistake and I am sorry. I suppose I should probably just end this now... again. Good luck to you in all that you do.

James and Kat
( 3 comments — Say Something )

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