sWell (shakewell) wrote,

choose your own adventure OR through the looking glass

i don't believe in secrets and subterfuge. i don't believe it's healthy to be a different person around different people. i don't believe in levels of friendship. i treat you as my friend or i treat you as my acquaintance or i treat you to nothing at all. i don't believe it's my fault that people who did not know me trusted me with secrets they wanted to keep but spread to me, then heard them spill from my mouth and watched them ooze from my fingertips. i can't meet expectations if i don't know them. i won't be something for you i don't agree with personally and you have no right to ask me to do it. i don't believe in keeping friends who want to hide the person i know from the rest of the world. there's no way to know who's getting lied to.

people hate me. people love me. but they love and hate the real me. they know exactly who i am because i put it all out there every day. you can love a lie, but it will break your heart in the end. and you can live a lie, but i don't doubt you'll pay a solemn price for that in the end as well, though i have no way of knowing.

they say my fault is that i'm opinionated, that i exercise my right to speak too much. i am opinionated. we all are. and i always speak my mind. we all should. it's a sad state of affairs when friendship means keeping your mouth shut about something that is bothering you. isn't that the exact opposite of what friendship should be?

what's laughable is that is that poison_needle still doesn't see the correlation between what i do here and what she does when she chastises me for it. don't get me wrong, i respect her right to do it. i just don't see how she thinks she's any different.

what's odd is that she still refers to herself in the third person. i never did understand why she did that and i can't understand why she still does.

the pity for my lack of friends and family is insidious. as though i should compromise the core of my personality to be more agreeable to people who find me pathetic and disgusting. well, as luck would have it i don't value my life by the opinions of others and no longer aim to please the entire earth population. in addition, i am perfectly content with my handful of tried and true friends who love me just the way i am (and throughout all my metamorphoses). of course, i can always trade them in for a man to tell me i'm too smart but not pretty enough and a neighborhood of stepford wives to tell me i don't love my children as much as they love theirs (or that i don't even know what love is because i haven't had children). or, perhaps, i'll cast them aside for a man who won't let me like anything that he doesn't like and doesn't believe in a woman having friends of her own.

i do want a family, but i'm not going to start one because i can. i'm going to start one because i've found someone with whom i can share it, without compromising my goals for it or myself. i'm not going to find out i'm ready because i have to be. i'm going to be ready first and responsible until then. and i'm not going to feel sorry for myself if it never happens for me because while caring for a family can add worth to your life, not doing so doesn't detract from it. (unless of course you do have a family, but you don't care for it.) it is up to me to determine where my best efforts will be best suited to my own personal strengths. no one will make me feel like less of a person because i wasn't designed to do what they do.

that's the glory of being human--knowledge, consciousness and the ability to choose your own destiny.

so, for the sake of my friends and myself i will continue to be true to myself, honest with everyone and courageous enough to talk about it. however, thanks for voicing your opinion again, poison_needle. obviously, i have not come to share your opinion (do you really want me to be disgusted with myself too?), but i have solidified many of my own in reflecting upon it and i find that very rewarding.

poison_needle:It always seems to me that you have an opinion about everyone and then when people get offended you feel as though you had all rights to expose and shut down the people who thought they could trust you with their secrets and such. You did it to kat. I saw that one. You exposed her and James with their finacial(sic) problems. You have the right of speech but do you always HAVE to use it. You would still have a lot of friends if you didnt always strip everyone down. I am not mad at you at all but I do feel sorry for you. I am afraid that you will never have a family. I dont know if it is what you want but I know there have been times that it was something you desired. Please for your sake and the sake of your "friends" just stop being so dramatically opinionated. Its almost disgusting at times.
Tags: friendship, paint_the_girl, reflection, responsibility
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