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oh what fevered dream is this

cold sweats and nightmares. i can't deal. it's one of those days that i jsut want to go home and have my mom take care of me. but home isn't home anymore and my mom never took care of me when i was sick. i tried to take geology notes but it was one big jumble of words that spell check didn't recognize so i gave up. i almost finished washing all the dishes. i can't remember the last time i had them all clean at one time. it's been months. i put one of those jugs in the toilet tank to save water when i flush. sometimes, it seems like i haven't peed enough to merit flushing. i felt guilty, so i rigged the jug. maybe i shouldn't pee 20 tiemes a day. i'd probably save a lot on toilet paper too. my friend's little sister once told her it wasn't environmentally sound to use more than two squares of toilet paper. that's rough. i wonder what happened to her. she's probably married. breaking news for some big gannet paper. or maybe having babies. it's hard to say. i should be better at keeping touch. i should just answer my phone. sometimes, i use this as my social contact. i blame other people for not taking the initiative to be involved in my life. i'm a fucking jerk. i like watching west wing. i hate how the french jerk looks like the boy. i kick myself for all the mistakes i made. kradams said she knew i didn't ever mean to kill myself or i would have done it by now. she calls it all a cry for help. i dunno. here, i write about it when i think about it. i don't write about the things i did. i came close a couple times. the comas and the car accidents. you can't say i didn't try. really, it's just another thing i'm not very good at. sorry. i'll do better someday and they'll all have their wish. i kid. i'll never be any good at it. i never could do this free writing shit. i think to fast. or i write to slow. i think i've thought a thought ten times before i even know i've thought it. if that makes sense. my new pillows are too fluffy. they make my neck hurt. the headboard blocks the window so i can't open it. i'm going to miss the fall breeze. but not so much the crickets or the neighbors. it's just so hard to breathe tonight. i don't understand. slow and hot and heavy. it aches behing my eyes. and my neck. i always think i have menengitis when my neck hurts. hypochondria. paranoia. i never have anything of any consequence. i'm getting really riled up about enviromental geology issues. i think that's great. but bad too. passion is never good for me. don't let me change my major or anything crazy. regulators. mount up.

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