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i'm in no mood for witty subject lines

i really haven't made many great strides in my battle to overcome depression. arguably, no such battle exists in reality, rather only in the idea in my head that i don't want to be so fucked up all the time, yet i am powerless/too lazy to combat it.

anyway, the point is, i have been making a lot of progress in coping with the illness. now, i know, treating the symptoms is no cure for the disease, but at least this way i'm doing pretty well not to further compound and exacerbate the disease itself.

i've been through some pretty rough stuff lately and, despite the fact that i desperately desired to, i held myself back from essentializing the rest of my life to these few terrible moments, from ruining the future by dramatizing the now. maybe it's just a testament to my profound lethargy or maybe it's a subtle sign that i've regained a small amount of control of the synapses in my brain, but i only acted on one of my recent "bad idea" compulsions--and i've had many! (to be honest, i feel it had more to do with enjoying it at the moment than using it as avoidance therapy. of course, it's easy to rationalize bad behavior when you're depressed.)

i read something today and my first reaction was to be offended and to get upset. thankfully, i've learned from dealing with pixylayne, paint_the_girl, fa1ry_g1rl, _anyday and kradams and i know better than to get all worked up over unverified conclusions. sure, i'll have an argument in the works if i should find for certain that it was directed at me later, but for now, there's no use getting pissed. there's no point. it wouldn't change anything. and it's so lame to get pissed off at something that wouldn't piss you off it all if you had all the facts in. such a waste of time and thought. and what a downer!

i guess i'm gradually coming into that philosophy of life that my dad is always encouraging. "what's the big deal? who's going to really give a shit? what's the fucking point?" as you can imagine, though, the transition to indifference is quite difficult for a passionate gemini such as myself.

in other news, i've been driving uninsured for a few days. fucking idiot <a href="http://www.allstate.com/LandingPages/auto/q4auto.aspx?src=GOO&Campaign=222220000002420&CMP=KAC-Google-G3&att=all+state+insurance>allstate </a>agent... the day i bought the jeep, i told the dude i had speeding tickets on my records still, but he informed me that i did not (presumably through defensive driving). today he called to tell me i could not get my own policy (separate from my parents') because i have <b>3</b> tickets that will remain on my record until the end of the year, and they will only allow 1 on a new policy. how these 3 mysteriously surfaced over the weekend intrigues me (especially since they can't be the 2 i just got a few weeks ago). i also don't understand why the question of my driving record wasn't the very first issue in our initial conversation. VIN numbers and good-student discounts don't mean squat if you're not going to take my business based on my own personal reputation anyway. god, maybe i don't even want to do business with a company that's been insuring me for 7 years but has no reliable system for keeping track of my information. whatever... interestingly enough, while talking to my insurance agent on the phone today, i drove through a red light where a cop was directing traffic. for once, the gods were smiling and i drove through unpunished and unscathed. note to self: stop buying fUFOs, start buying groceries.

Comments

( 11 comments — Say Something )
quarantine
Jul. 13th, 2005 09:40 pm (UTC)
I think it's funny you keep linking to livejournals that have been deleted.
shakewell
Jul. 13th, 2005 09:43 pm (UTC)
can't touch this!
it's so people who may have seen their comments here but don't actually know them by thier real names still know who i mean.

(love the icon, obviously)
quarantine
Jul. 13th, 2005 09:43 pm (UTC)
Re: can't touch this!
Yeah, that's what I figured.
Who's anyday?
shakewell
Jul. 13th, 2005 09:51 pm (UTC)
Re: can't touch this!
one of amber's (fa1ry_g1rl's) follow-up journals
(Anonymous)
Jul. 13th, 2005 09:44 pm (UTC)
agreed
=)
(Anonymous)
Jul. 14th, 2005 04:06 am (UTC)
Why are you putting me in the same category with them? Either you except me for a friend or you don't. i don't understand.
(Anonymous)
Jul. 14th, 2005 04:06 am (UTC)
oh and i mean accept not except.
shakewell
Jul. 14th, 2005 04:12 am (UTC)
i apologize from some poor writing there. i've edited it to more clearly reflect what i mean. it's not to say that you or they did anything particularly wrong. it's more in reference to how so much unnecessary shit went down over complete miscommunication and blind assumptions.
(Anonymous)
Jul. 14th, 2005 04:15 am (UTC)
and please don't get offended by that i'm just curious as to what you meant and why you put my name in there
shakewell
Jul. 14th, 2005 04:21 am (UTC)
not mad at all
wtih them, as with you, i had far too many arguments over what i thought was meant by what was said and what meaning was actualy intended. if i'd had the patience to stay calm and clarify things that we're ambiguous before jumping to conclusions and getting hurt or angry i could have saved us all a lot of grief. as i said above, this isn't about any of you as much as it is about my ability to deal with other people and situations, particularly women.
(Anonymous)
Jul. 14th, 2005 06:38 am (UTC)
Re: not mad at all
ahh i see. Thanks for explaining.
( 11 comments — Say Something )

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