sWell (shakewell) wrote,
sWell
shakewell

my head's up my ass. where's yours?

operation: deep tan is well underway. though, i need to remember to pace myself. luckily, however, my burns are fading gracefully into a nice bronze.

i'm going to look so fucking gorgeous at the wedding. i can't wait!

unlike all the cows i know who are on ridiculous diets, i have actually been losing some weight lately--and without even trying! it's really all thanks to the appetite suppressing side effects of my new medication. some days i'm not sure i'd eat at all if it weren't a requirement for ingesting the pills. i lost ten pounds the first week. i'll weigh myself tomorrow at work and see if i've plateaued already. of course, i've been lifting weights and conditioning again, so it's hard to be sure if i'm gaining muscle and losing fat. but i can really tell a difference in that little stomach pouch area. thank god for that.

anyway, i'm still waiting for referrals from my doctor. it's good that he's not concerned, i suppose, and i should follow his lead on that, but i don't think he realizes how stressful it can be to be left in the dark like this.

someone left a comment on another entry: "when is there not something wrong with you?" as if somehow it's my fault that i'm not healthy, or that perhaps even i made things up for attention or something. as much of a hypochondriac as i think i am, i don't think i exaggerate inconsequential symptoms so people will pay attention to me and i certainly never burden my friends with the cost of my care. hell, i seriously thought my spleen was inflamed not long ago. it was completely painful and uncomfortable for several days. but i know that i worry more than need be. so i didn't go to the hospital. i certainly didn't make my friends waste their saturday night dragging me to the emergency room just to find out that i probably had gas or i was a total drama queen.

i've been sick all my life and most, if not all of it stems from anxiety. that's probably the real reason i never sought medical attention for any of my symptoms. i knew what was the root cause and i wasn't yet prepared to deal with it.

i worry to much and i know it. it's the kind of thing i struggle with internally everyday. i fret over every aspect of my life. and i even get stressed over the things in my friends' lives that they don't seem to care about but should. paint_the_girl thinks i have my head up my ass because i worry about her becoming exactly the kind of person she once told me she despised. i realize all my worry has only made her worse, but what kind of friend would i have been if i'd pretended not to care that she was acting like a jerk and a fool?

people tell me i'm judgmental. i am. i form opinions all the time based on what i feel is right for me and also based on what other people have said is right for them. i don't try to force my value system on my friends, but if their's differs too greatly from mine it can become impossible for me to trust them with the same level of friendship. i judged paint_the_girl to be making a mistake based on what she said was right for her and i also judged her based on what i thought was appropriate behavior from my friends. i told her i was disappointed and i was. why should i lie? but in her mind, much like the pixylayne fiasco, it snowballed into judgment of her parenting skills and my personal acceptance of her. not once did i say i would treat her any differently or would be forced to reduce her role in my life. she, on the other hand, cut me off completely. she cut me off because she felt i did not accept her for who she was. where's the acceptance in that? still, i'm the judgmental bitch. and she's no hypocrite.

me, i want judgmental friends. i want to be surrounded by people who form their own opinions based on their own ideas, not vapid sycophants who will blindly encourage me to make whatever ridiculous mistakes i choose. the word judgmental has gotten a bad rap. "inclined to form opinions after consideration or deliberation." what could possibly be wrong with that?

oh. right. i forgot that no one likes to hear that they are wrong, especially when they really are wrong. why anyone would rather continue making mistakes than lose a little face is beyond me. do you think the people who know you are wrong but don't tell you aren't either laughing at you or pitying you behind your back? and isn't that worse? but i guess it all works out if you surround yourself with people who either just don't care to think about your life at all or are too stupid to understand the mistakes you make.

it's funny, though. if paint_the_girl had said, "it's so stupid when people wear black shoes with navy pants." and i'd pointed out to her that she was wearing black shoes and navy pants someday, she would have laughed at her goof and thanked me for noticing. but, somehow, this other choice in her life is completely different and i have no right to apparently even observe it, let alone remark on it.

i think i've written about this before. the areas in our lives where we are most prone to make (probably) the most grievous mistakes are the same ones we almost completely close off to advice and guidance from the people whose opinions are supposed to matter most to us. i guess people worry that if they can't be right in those most important aspects of their lives, then maybe they're kind of useless or something. i don't know...
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