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my head's up my ass. where's yours?

operation: deep tan is well underway. though, i need to remember to pace myself. luckily, however, my burns are fading gracefully into a nice bronze.

i'm going to look so fucking gorgeous at the wedding. i can't wait!

unlike all the cows i know who are on ridiculous diets, i have actually been losing some weight lately--and without even trying! it's really all thanks to the appetite suppressing side effects of my new medication. some days i'm not sure i'd eat at all if it weren't a requirement for ingesting the pills. i lost ten pounds the first week. i'll weigh myself tomorrow at work and see if i've plateaued already. of course, i've been lifting weights and conditioning again, so it's hard to be sure if i'm gaining muscle and losing fat. but i can really tell a difference in that little stomach pouch area. thank god for that.

anyway, i'm still waiting for referrals from my doctor. it's good that he's not concerned, i suppose, and i should follow his lead on that, but i don't think he realizes how stressful it can be to be left in the dark like this.

someone left a comment on another entry: "when is there not something wrong with you?" as if somehow it's my fault that i'm not healthy, or that perhaps even i made things up for attention or something. as much of a hypochondriac as i think i am, i don't think i exaggerate inconsequential symptoms so people will pay attention to me and i certainly never burden my friends with the cost of my care. hell, i seriously thought my spleen was inflamed not long ago. it was completely painful and uncomfortable for several days. but i know that i worry more than need be. so i didn't go to the hospital. i certainly didn't make my friends waste their saturday night dragging me to the emergency room just to find out that i probably had gas or i was a total drama queen.

i've been sick all my life and most, if not all of it stems from anxiety. that's probably the real reason i never sought medical attention for any of my symptoms. i knew what was the root cause and i wasn't yet prepared to deal with it.

i worry to much and i know it. it's the kind of thing i struggle with internally everyday. i fret over every aspect of my life. and i even get stressed over the things in my friends' lives that they don't seem to care about but should. paint_the_girl thinks i have my head up my ass because i worry about her becoming exactly the kind of person she once told me she despised. i realize all my worry has only made her worse, but what kind of friend would i have been if i'd pretended not to care that she was acting like a jerk and a fool?

people tell me i'm judgmental. i am. i form opinions all the time based on what i feel is right for me and also based on what other people have said is right for them. i don't try to force my value system on my friends, but if their's differs too greatly from mine it can become impossible for me to trust them with the same level of friendship. i judged paint_the_girl to be making a mistake based on what she said was right for her and i also judged her based on what i thought was appropriate behavior from my friends. i told her i was disappointed and i was. why should i lie? but in her mind, much like the pixylayne fiasco, it snowballed into judgment of her parenting skills and my personal acceptance of her. not once did i say i would treat her any differently or would be forced to reduce her role in my life. she, on the other hand, cut me off completely. she cut me off because she felt i did not accept her for who she was. where's the acceptance in that? still, i'm the judgmental bitch. and she's no hypocrite.

me, i want judgmental friends. i want to be surrounded by people who form their own opinions based on their own ideas, not vapid sycophants who will blindly encourage me to make whatever ridiculous mistakes i choose. the word judgmental has gotten a bad rap. "inclined to form opinions after consideration or deliberation." what could possibly be wrong with that?

oh. right. i forgot that no one likes to hear that they are wrong, especially when they really are wrong. why anyone would rather continue making mistakes than lose a little face is beyond me. do you think the people who know you are wrong but don't tell you aren't either laughing at you or pitying you behind your back? and isn't that worse? but i guess it all works out if you surround yourself with people who either just don't care to think about your life at all or are too stupid to understand the mistakes you make.

it's funny, though. if paint_the_girl had said, "it's so stupid when people wear black shoes with navy pants." and i'd pointed out to her that she was wearing black shoes and navy pants someday, she would have laughed at her goof and thanked me for noticing. but, somehow, this other choice in her life is completely different and i have no right to apparently even observe it, let alone remark on it.

i think i've written about this before. the areas in our lives where we are most prone to make (probably) the most grievous mistakes are the same ones we almost completely close off to advice and guidance from the people whose opinions are supposed to matter most to us. i guess people worry that if they can't be right in those most important aspects of their lives, then maybe they're kind of useless or something. i don't know...


( 7 comments — Say Something )
May. 27th, 2005 03:38 pm (UTC)
i know about some damn anxiety.

hey im buying a pool pass.
you are more than welcome to join me!

(Deleted comment)
May. 28th, 2005 11:27 pm (UTC)
you're trying to protect your family? i didn't do anything to your family. you're getting stressed out about things i say is your choice of reaction. how that impacts your family is your fault, not mine. it makes perfect sense that you would want to eliminate me (as a stressor) from your life, but instead you continue to read and continue to get pissed of and continue to blame the effects of your choices on my actions instead of your own. it's yet another sign to me that you're not as mature as you claim to be. mother or not, you've still got a lot of growing up to do, little girl.

i love how you, pixylayne, ben and apparently thur seem to think that i can't possible understand family dynamics because i have no children of my own. i was a child once, and i watched my parents make mistakes with myself and my siblings. i watch my sister fuck up my niece's life. and i also get to watch my foolhardy friends make mistakes with their children. do you really think you're the first mom to bring home outside stress to her child? just because you all were too oblivious to ever notice parent-child social interactions before you were a parent doesn't mean that i am. i don't need to make a mistake myself in order to learn from it. i am happy to learn from someone else's folly instead of my own. and i'm even happier to pass along whatever wisdom or insight that i have gained from my observations to other people that need to learn too.

and NOW you're trying to guilt me into feeling bad because i'm not the adoring fan you think i should be. i never promised to back up ever stupid decision you make in your life and i never promised to keep my mouth shut. that's not the kind of friend i am to anyone. you're upset with me because i didn't live up to your expectations, but i never promised to be anything to you at all. so how is it my fault that i fell short of a contract i never agreed to? it's not on me that we're not friends. it's on you that you choose not to accept me for who i am or accept he honest, direct friendship that i choose to offer you. right there you are judging me and no one is stupid enough to pretend that you're not (except, i'm certain, your "real friends" who will hold your hand down every wrong turn you make in your life).

you want me to apologize for having an opinion. i won't. you wish i would keep it to myself, but i can't live with being a two-face liar to my friends. i told you already that i would continue to write about whatever i please in my journal. that is my right. take a lesson from your pal, jess; if you don't want me to talk about my ridiculous interactions with you, either stop being so ridiculous or stop interacting with me. i know you hate hearing unsolicited advice, but it's a fairly obvious, yet important lesson to be learned.

and i don't know why you think i care that you are friends with jess. i don't. i do think it's hilarious, given the things you had to say about her moral character, but i understand the connections you two share. i think it's sad that i could notice the change in your behavior from the very first instant you two started getting together, but that's your choice and i never tried to stop you from making it. i may have told you i thought it was a mistake, but i didn't cut you off because you two were friends. i did, however, lower my expectations of your friendship with me and here you've only proved me right.

for the record, the only part that keri had to play in my involvement in this whole ordeal was your initial reaction to the comment she left (or you seemed to assume she left) in your journal. i think for myself. and i thought you were acting like a petting fucking child when you attacked and insulted her (which was only worsened by the fact that you tried to pretned that you didn't do it). it is EXACTLY what pixylayne did to me (and keri) and it is EXACTLY the kind of behavior you said was deplorable.
May. 28th, 2005 11:31 pm (UTC)

you may be happy with yourself, but i am not happy with watching a friend become all the things she once said she despised. that is my opinion. i promise you that everytime i read or hear about you making the same stupid mistakes i will have something to say about it. i have heard your point of view, but your logic is faulty and i will never be swayed to change my mind about this. you can continue to argue with me if you want to keep stressing about it, but i'm telling you now that it will be all for naught. i don't expect to change your mind. i said my piece and i no longer attempt to make headway with you directly. but i will always write about the things i learn in my journal, so i can remember them and so that my friends can also learn.

you really want to protect your family from logical people thinking you're on the wrong track? learn to prioritize your life and think about the long run, the big picture and the what ifs.
May. 28th, 2005 11:41 pm (UTC)
and the point that you seem to be missing...
you tell me i have no right to tell you how to live your life. i'm not a mom. i couldn't possibly understand.

well i can tell you right now that you don't know shit about being the kind of person i strive to be. maybe being honest with your friends doesn't fit into your personal aspirations, but it does mine. apparently, you can't possibly understand that.

but because you're not the kind of person i want to be, you have no right to tell me how i should achieve it.

the real point is, even by your standards, you are juding me to be in the wrong for judging you to be in the wrong. there's pandora's box, kid.
May. 29th, 2005 12:16 am (UTC)
and another thing
i was referring to the cows at work who are on unhealthy atkins-type diets (but daily indulge in some food explicitly off-limits). i wasn't aware that you were on a ridiculous diet (in fact, i was failry sure you were not), so i had no intention of insulting you with anything i said in that sentence.

also, cow was in reference to the women themselves and not the diets. and, particularly, not your diet.
May. 28th, 2005 03:29 pm (UTC)
"when is there not something wrong with you?

I've heard this most of my life too. And I'm tired of everyone thinking it's ONLY psychosomatic. I know I'm nuts and anxious but I know when my body is screaming and sending signals that something is amiss. Hope things improve health-wise for the both of us!
May. 29th, 2005 05:33 pm (UTC)
paint_the_girl's deleted post
Maybe if you wouldnt have told me that I was being selfish for getting a
tattoo then things would be different. We all make mistakes but when it
comes to my family, stay out of it. Phoenix and James are MY family not
yours and if i tell you as a friend not to worry about our financial
situation than I damn well expect you to do so. You have no idea Amanda.
And I know I shouldnt have replied to this but you make me out to be some
loser bitch when really I am just trying to protect my family. You
stressed me out and I decided that none of us needed that in our lives.
When I am stressed Phoenix feels that negative energy. She doesnt deserve
to feel the stupid shit that we decide to fight over. But you wouldnt
know that would you? Your not a mom, i dont care how much you think and
dream of being one, you have no idea until you actually become one. I
hope you will be able to live the dream of being a mom someday, its the
best thing that could ever happen to anyone but for right now I am a mom
and your not. So dont act like you have any idea how things are going to
be. I am sorry that this is the way things are but i obviously still care
about you, I do read your journal to see how you are. And when you talk
about me like I am a selfish judgemental person I am going to say
something. We all judge. I try not to. You judged me and I backed off.
Yes I got emotional but when a friend says something about your parenting
skills than yeah your going to be hurt. Especially in my case where
unfortunetaly I dont have many friends so It gets painful when your
friends start turning on you. Dont act like you didnt too. A lot of
people think that Keri had a lot to do with it, including James. And
whatever made you say what you said is unfortunate but you said it and I
am the one getting all the blame for something you put on yourself. So
what if I am friends with Jess? We never get to hang out and we are both
really different. We have different morals and values. But we are both
moms and thats the one thing we really have in common. Jess is a good mom
and she knows how it is to be a mom so she never judges me when it comes
to that aspect of our lives. I probably made a big mistake by writing
this but I had to stand up for myself and my family. You have to realize
that its not ME, its US. I am sure i just reopened pandoras box. I dont
care what you think anymore though. You showed me how "sensitive" you are
to your friends feelings and I see that you arent really my friend. I
wish you were but your not and its on you. Unlike you I dont want to be
surrounded by judgemental people. I am happy with myself (most of the
time) and I dont need people around me to tell me when I look ugly and
when I look pretty. Whatever. Cant you just let all this go and let me be
happy? I am doing great with my "cow" diet and my new job and Things are
going well but then you have to go a bring all this crap up again and
bring me down. I dont know if you did it on purpose and I dont care. This
livejournal shit is stupid. I hope your health is ok. I am sorry about
your Dr. mixup. Thats all.
( 7 comments — Say Something )

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