sWell (shakewell) wrote,

get liz back, go 'round mums, sort life out

even though it's 12:30 in the afternoon already, i just had some sexcellent, throaty morning voice going on. it's a shame i wasted it wishing my mum a happy mother's day. regardless happy mother's day to all you mums out there: pixylayne, paint_the_girl and any other randoms currently reading this journal.

i had my 90-days' evaluation at work last week. my boss tried to put me on another month's probation but i out-smarted her. she also attached an addendum covering my recent attitude problems, but she'd already checked off the "commendable" boxes on the actual evaluation form, so i faired well enough.

i still find it rather interesting that every day my patients tell me that i'm going to make a very good tech and that they can tell i care very much about doing a good job, while the other techs, nurses and supervisors continue to find me hostlie and uncooperative. yes, i get upset with people when they are very obviously just being lazy and i have to cover some aspect of their job function. i certainly don't bitch them out like i want to do, but i don't doubt that i am short with them or that i am not at all docile when i tell them something is their job and not mine. i have enough stress with my own patients as it is and i am no where near capable enough of minding other people's patients at the same time. but i do still worry about them anyway.

i'm trying to find better coping mechanisms to deal with stress at work, but i'm having very little luck. i cry a lot there, over my inability to deal with stress as well as my inabilty to perform my job on the level i want to be at. i don't think anyone but myself expects me to be doing an better at the moment. but it's important to me that i do. it's people's lives for christ's sake.

i took my last final on friday. summer school starts on wednesday. sweet. i'm taking linear algebra and differential equations four days a week. double sweet. if you thought i hated life before, talk to me in six weeks. ha.

neo geo is "fixed." something broke when they were putting shit back together and it clogged up the brake line or something so now i have pedal pressure again. not a bad deal. still, i'm driving geo, sr. so long as it isn't raining because, believe it or not, eli's car is in much better shape than mine.

that means it is time to find a new car. an adventure i'm not at all looking forward to. there will probably be a bank loan involved somewhere and i'm also not too keen on that idea. but, what can you do? i guess a friend of a friend of mine is selling a civic (hatchback) so i might go and see what that might be like. sounds a lot easier than actually shopping around.

the semi-upside of all this car trouble is that i know have a mechanic i sort of trust. mostly, i just appreciate that he doesn't try to dumb anything down for me because i'm young woman (who obviously doesn't take care of her car). the more semi-downside of this is that he doesn't try to dumb anything down for me and i spend a great deal of time nodding and saying "uh-huh" while i wait for a break in the conversation where i can interject with "ok. great! so, he's your money. i gotta go."

soemtimes i think that when i'm passionately happy about my life (or some aspect of my life), that the happiness is less true-to-heart and more of a masking of some other things going on with me. however, i feel that when i am most calmly satisfied with my life (like now and a year and a half ago) other people seem to think i am most passionately unhappy. i wonder if this is perhaps because not many people see the true troughs of my cyclical moods or if it is simply because other people do not share my value judgments and understand happiness as i interpret it. mayhap, it is a mixture of both. not that it matters. these times that i am attacked/harassed most are the times that i am most able to process and deal with it, so it's no skin off of my back. though it does often leave me disaapointed with the state of my relationships and the character assesments of the people i am involved with. such is life. constant strings of disappointment. and me, the fatalistic perfectionist.

this three-day weekend is shaping up to be grand. i spent the first day doing practically nothing but wallowing. today is "get stuff done" day. i may, in fact, finally get this apartment sorted out and suitable for habitation. tonight and tomorrow are part of the "have fun" section of my calendar. i'm hoping to get some ddr in and maybe see my folks too.

that said, i think it's time i got down to business here.


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