sWell (shakewell) wrote,

social anxiety

i'm not sure if it's even possible, but i feel like i am most socially anxious when i'm alone. that doesn't even make sense, really. i just feel like, if i'm around people, i can half-commit to things and gauge reactions on my first steps before i go all the way. i can even go back and say "jsut kidiing" if something i say flops on the audience. but, when i'm alone, i have to face my own judgements and, being the bipolar freak that i am, i tend to disagree in thought with my actions a great majority of the time.

i set out today to go to a certain store and spend a little money on myself. i get to the turn off, but, all of a sudden, i can't follow through. instead i pull into block buster to legitimize the trip in the socially acceptable realm. it was bad enough that i went there even though i meant to go somewhere else. who would know? who would care? but THEN i bought movies to legitimize the fact that i went in there at all. what the shit? eventually, i went to my original destination, because i knew how ridiculous this whole ordeal was. and it was fine. and no one cared. and no one even noticed, because, SURPRISE, no one gives a shit about this little life of mine.

i keep thinking to myself that i could overcome all of this in time. i mean, i understand all of my issues. i know where they come from and when and how they'll hamper my life. i know how to deal with the consequences of the sickness, but i just don't know how head them off. i'd like to think i'll figure it out. i mean, i seem to have figured out how to surpress all the suicidal thoughts and most of the generally depressed ones. maybe i just grew out of all that teenage angst. maybe i'll grow out of this too.

it seems like it would be nice to just take some little happy pills and quit fucking up my life. but, i'm afraid if i get medicated now, i'll never grow out of it; i'll never learn to cope with it on my own. maybe it's not something i can learn.


stop worrying, amanda. just shut up already!

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