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social anxiety

i'm not sure if it's even possible, but i feel like i am most socially anxious when i'm alone. that doesn't even make sense, really. i just feel like, if i'm around people, i can half-commit to things and gauge reactions on my first steps before i go all the way. i can even go back and say "jsut kidiing" if something i say flops on the audience. but, when i'm alone, i have to face my own judgements and, being the bipolar freak that i am, i tend to disagree in thought with my actions a great majority of the time.

i set out today to go to a certain store and spend a little money on myself. i get to the turn off, but, all of a sudden, i can't follow through. instead i pull into block buster to legitimize the trip in the socially acceptable realm. it was bad enough that i went there even though i meant to go somewhere else. who would know? who would care? but THEN i bought movies to legitimize the fact that i went in there at all. what the shit? eventually, i went to my original destination, because i knew how ridiculous this whole ordeal was. and it was fine. and no one cared. and no one even noticed, because, SURPRISE, no one gives a shit about this little life of mine.

i keep thinking to myself that i could overcome all of this in time. i mean, i understand all of my issues. i know where they come from and when and how they'll hamper my life. i know how to deal with the consequences of the sickness, but i just don't know how head them off. i'd like to think i'll figure it out. i mean, i seem to have figured out how to surpress all the suicidal thoughts and most of the generally depressed ones. maybe i just grew out of all that teenage angst. maybe i'll grow out of this too.

it seems like it would be nice to just take some little happy pills and quit fucking up my life. but, i'm afraid if i get medicated now, i'll never grow out of it; i'll never learn to cope with it on my own. maybe it's not something i can learn.


stop worrying, amanda. just shut up already!


( 8 comments — Say Something )
Apr. 9th, 2005 03:04 am (UTC)
how about understanding it instead of learning it? would that be enough?
i hope you feel better.
Apr. 9th, 2005 04:44 am (UTC)
i'm leaning toward no on that
or... what i really need to learn is how to curb inappropriate behavior. sometimes i think it's an addiction of sorts. obviously, it's an escape mechanism and a crutch. to be honest, i think i understand it pretty well. i mean, i know why i do things, but i don't know why i make things so important when they're really almost completely inconsequential, which is really the root cause of most of my problems.

so, no, understanding is not enough. i refuse to life another seven decades watching myself make mistakes i can see coming from miles away.
Apr. 9th, 2005 04:08 pm (UTC)
Re: i'm leaning toward no on that
so you can learn it.
Apr. 9th, 2005 03:59 am (UTC)
I love you baby girl!!

Apr. 9th, 2005 04:23 am (UTC)
happy pills obviously don't fix everything. i wish i could give you some advice on how to deal with things but I don't know how to deal with shit myself, even with meds. whenever you feel bad you know you can always give me a call sbcp.
Apr. 9th, 2005 09:16 am (UTC)
you completely deserve so spend a little money on yourself. You earned it....you should enjoy it.
Apr. 11th, 2005 01:19 am (UTC)
I went through alot of stuff when I was younger. I mean... If you looked at my permenant record you would never believe that i was the same person. And for years and years and years everyone told me I had Bi polar disease and Anxiety. I didnt believe them and took other types of drugs for self medication. Because I did this it really messed a lot of things up for me. Of course I wouldnt take them back because of the great situation I am in now. But I have gone through a lot of the things you have. I've been dragged of to institutions before. And it was all from suppressed Phycological damage. After I had Phoenix I suffered from Post Partum Depression... really bad. I was at the point where I didnt want to be around Phoenix or James so I know i had to do something. I knew that it wasnt something that i could just grow out of. I waited my whole life to grow out of it, and besides what kind of a mom doesnt want to be around something as beautiful as her kids? So I let the doctors put me on Wellbutrin. There was a 100% difference. I'm not on them now because while I was on them my head wasnt clouded like it used to be and i was able to think of ways to make my life better and making myself happier as well as those around me. I will probably go back on them soon because I know I'm not doing as well as i could be, but there is a difference. Instead of completely writing all the treatments off you have to give them at least a try. Amanda we care about you. If we didnt then no one would be replying to your posts. We wouldnt have wanted you to marry us. But we do and we did. And don't think that you are a burden on anyone either. If you cant see the light at the end of the tunnel you might just have to go those 7 decades alone and deppressed because there is only so much we can do for you besides dragging you off to some hospital. But the last thing we would want to do is take away your freedom of choice. You just have to make better choices for yourself though. I'm not trying to pressure you into any kind of drugs but there are treatments. Treatments other than drugs. You have to do this for yourself. No one else. Forget about everyone else Amanda. Dont you deserve a chance at happiness?

Apr. 11th, 2005 01:20 am (UTC)
BTW I forgot to use spell check. Please disregard all my goofy words.
( 8 comments — Say Something )

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