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the heart is a lonely hunter

i don't know what it is today. i'm not hungover. i'm not hungry or tired. but for some reason i'm very dizzy and light-headed. i tried to read some file names this morning and had to close my eyes and put my head between my knees because i felt so completely nauseated.

it's not a good combination with these heart palpitations i've been experiencing so frequently either. last week it happened several times in a row. it's so scary. i can't breathe. they used to happen just every now and then, with months and years in between. now, it's everday and sometimes back-to-back.

sometimes, i wish i knew what was wrong with me. but now that i can afford to go to the doctor, i'm afraid to find out.

sometimes, i wish my parents were around to hold my hand through it, but, to be honest, i'm afraid to even tell them i might be sick. i don't like for them to worry.

xxx

i'm starting to put money away for a car, now. my brother is talking of buying a house. it's so strange to be confronted with our adult actions when i still envision us as kids. i've been thinking about buying a house lately, too. not actually planning on it, but thinking about what it will be like. i never thought i'd have to buy a house alone. in fact, i thought by now i'd have one and i'd be sharing it with my husband.

it's funny how things work out.

i heard today that a good friend of mine, whom i always considered the marrying-type, doesn't want to have kids. needless to say, i'm perplexed by this. and, really, i think this person does want to, but just isn't in a place to want them right now. even though, i spent 20 years determined not to have a family, i can't comprehend how anyone my age or older could feel that way now.

it's funny how things change.

xxx

everything's mixed up in side my head and in my stomach. neither will sit still. i can't hold on to anything.

Comments

( 4 comments — Say Something )
(Deleted comment)
shakewell
Apr. 8th, 2005 12:15 am (UTC)
Re: I'm no doctor...
... but i play one on tv ;)

thanks jeff, that's kind of the line i'm thinking too. though they were not always precipitated by stressful situations in the past, these bad episodes most definitely are.

and, yes, i know i need to go to the doc and it is already in the works.

thanks for the support, though. i definitely need it and i totally appreciate it!
surjay
Apr. 8th, 2005 03:59 am (UTC)
Whaddya waiting for?!
Let's get a house girl!
elizabethford
Apr. 8th, 2005 05:41 am (UTC)
hey. i was having the same kind of thing (heart palpitations, etc.) last year until i finally had to go to the ER because i thought i was having a heart attack. it turned out to be nothing serious (stress), but if i hadn't gone, i'd probably still be worrying all the time. so yeah, i'd get it checked out... if it's something you need to have taken care of, you can have it taken care of, and if it's not, you won't need to worry about it anymore.

i just reread the comment thread and saw that your trip to the dr. is in the works, so i guess this just qualifies as "support" now, instead of advice :)
spk1121
Apr. 18th, 2005 11:05 am (UTC)
Palpitations
i think this person does want to, but just isn't in a place to want them right now. even though, i spent 20 years determined not to have a family, i can't comprehend how anyone my age or older could feel that way now.
Well, parenting isn't for everybody. I'm in the same boat as you, though. I want to get married, have kids, the white picket fence, all that cliche stuff. Some may consider it boring, but I tend to think there would be a real sense of fulfillment in it all. Maybe the idea of something isn't particularly appealing, but people appreciate the reality once they are involved. Your friend may be like that, he or she will "grow into" parenthood if they ever have kids.

sometimes, i wish i knew what was wrong with me. but now that i can afford to go to the doctor, i'm afraid to find out.
Hope your ticker is doing OK. Slow down, girl!
( 4 comments — Say Something )

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