sWell (shakewell) wrote,
sWell
shakewell

the heart is a lonely hunter

i don't know what it is today. i'm not hungover. i'm not hungry or tired. but for some reason i'm very dizzy and light-headed. i tried to read some file names this morning and had to close my eyes and put my head between my knees because i felt so completely nauseated.

it's not a good combination with these heart palpitations i've been experiencing so frequently either. last week it happened several times in a row. it's so scary. i can't breathe. they used to happen just every now and then, with months and years in between. now, it's everday and sometimes back-to-back.

sometimes, i wish i knew what was wrong with me. but now that i can afford to go to the doctor, i'm afraid to find out.

sometimes, i wish my parents were around to hold my hand through it, but, to be honest, i'm afraid to even tell them i might be sick. i don't like for them to worry.

xxx

i'm starting to put money away for a car, now. my brother is talking of buying a house. it's so strange to be confronted with our adult actions when i still envision us as kids. i've been thinking about buying a house lately, too. not actually planning on it, but thinking about what it will be like. i never thought i'd have to buy a house alone. in fact, i thought by now i'd have one and i'd be sharing it with my husband.

it's funny how things work out.

i heard today that a good friend of mine, whom i always considered the marrying-type, doesn't want to have kids. needless to say, i'm perplexed by this. and, really, i think this person does want to, but just isn't in a place to want them right now. even though, i spent 20 years determined not to have a family, i can't comprehend how anyone my age or older could feel that way now.

it's funny how things change.

xxx

everything's mixed up in side my head and in my stomach. neither will sit still. i can't hold on to anything.
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