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god i love sleeping in

i never thought 8am would be sleeping in for me, but here we are.

every morning i wake up at 3:30 with an intense need to empty my bladder. i try to overlook it when i have to work, because i have to be up and out of bed at 4:30, but not a second before. that plan never really works. but i don't get it. i drink only one beverage at most when i get home from work. and i pee before going to bed.

jewsus.

this really fabulous old lady at work said something that sort of disturbed me yesterday. she was trying to ask about the other trainee in my group because veronica been off on the woman's treatment days. but she asked, "what happened to that other little colored girl?"

now, i fucking hate all that p.c. bullshit, but "colored" still seems derogatory to me. i dunno...

sometimes, when i can't remember my dreams, a few frames of them will flash into my brain. i think it makes the entire dream seem more bizarre, because i can't see how the frames are connected.

and you thought my dreams couldn't get any stranger.

the women at work are starting that mayo clinic diet. it's a low-carb scam that's been around for almost half a century. i feel bad for them. people are always looking for a way out, not an actual solution to the problem.

le sigh.

we're creeping closer to the anniversary of his death and i can't stand it. every day i think about him. and every day it hurts.

i think i'm going to talk to my doctor about my anxiety. i mean, everyone says i stress too much, but, yesterday, even i thought it was too much for once. however, knowing that didn't push my fears aside. i couldn't overcome it.

despite what i told some people, it's been eight years since i've been medicated. even then, it didn't amount to much. i didn't give the meds a fair chance because i didn't want to "live like that." in retrospect, i realize i still didn't really want to live at all, so the decision was completely biased.

i'm not sure i want to live under the influence of mood-altering drugs now, but i certainly don't want to die anymore, so i figure it's time i gave the meds a real shot.

by October, i'll be off my parents' car insurance policy. by the next June, i'll be financially independent from them in every last way (as far as the FAFSA is concerned). it's weird to think about. only the connections in my heart and head will remain.

Comments

( 2 comments — Say Something )
beatfreak
Apr. 6th, 2005 05:13 pm (UTC)
Mayo Clinic Diet
Yeah... what ever happened to watching your caloric intake and exercising?
surjay
Apr. 7th, 2005 02:13 am (UTC)
You do know that the greatest stress-reducer known to mankind is SURJAY.
( 2 comments — Say Something )

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