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back once again with the ill behavior

wow. it's been forever since i've had anything meaningful to say on this thing AND had the means with which to say it. i finally got my keyboard situation resolved after three trips to best buy (and one accidental trip to best buy auto sales). apparently, new keyboards have this stupid vertical set up of the home, delete, end, page up and page down keys. i don't like it, but i guess i'll get used to it. in the long run, i suppose i'll appreciate not accidentally hitting the insert key when i mean to hit delete. what a pain that is!

...

i take my classroom final for the dialysis job on wednesday. it's crazy to think that it only took me a few weeks to learn everything i need to know to be trusted with people's lives. a little too crazy if you ask me. but whatever. i've been doing really well with my clinical training so far. i've only had one patient refuse to let me stick him, but i did convince two other patients to let me stick them even though they wouldn't let the other trainees. that means a lot to me that these people trust me that much. i don't think i'd let anyone practice on me, especially if i had a particularly difficult access like some of them do.

they say it's only a matter of time before every tech infiltrates someone, but i'd still like to think it won't ever happen at my fault. i'm probably a little too cautious because i'm so scared of doing that to a patient. sometimes i get the needle halfway in and run into resistance. i try to back it out a little and go another way, but twice now i haven't been able to get it right on my own. such a scaredy cat. my preceptor told me that i was right there when she stepped in, but it sure didn't feel like that to me.

so, overall work is going very well. i wouldn't say i really like all of my colleagues, but they are decent enough to get along with. when i left last friday, i actually made a point to say goodbye to people before i walked out. usually, i make a bee-line for the door, but i guess i sort of feel like it's worth it to be not only civil, but also cordial to these ladies. i kind of feel like i could stay at this job for a long time, so i want to make the best of it from the get go.

i think the best part of the job is the relationships with the patients. it's bad business to get to mixed up in each others' lives, but i'll admit it's nice to actually get along well enough with my 'customers' to be at least a little interested in their lives instead of just counting down the seconds until i get them out of my hair. and, to be honest, it makes me feel really good that they care about me. they give me pep talks and cheer me on.

i guess i have a lot of cheerleaders in my life anyway. but with these people it seems more meaningful somehow. they're sincerely interested in me being good at my job because it affects them directly, whereas my friends just want me to be good at whatever i do because friends are always supposed to want the best for you, no matter what.

...

i helped my parents move into their new house over the weekend. it's a pretty cozy little place, but it needs some work. in carmel, my mom always complained about how she hated living in the city, but now she doesn't seem to like this new area much either. says she won't drive anywhere, etc. whatever. i think she just likes to complain.

...

been spending a bit more time in pistol city lately. kradams even went down with me last weekend. i finally got some yats with killbot and it was delicious. even met his lady friend, kit. played some mario party with vialet and stewbot. good times. and got the ritual hangover breakfast at waffle house. i even saw overlord bust a move! it was unbelievable! i also saw the legendary brasko, chuwie, igg and surjay. hell, i even saw stewbot swipe his atm card in beatfreak's ass crack. of course, opiate and spooge were also around. and appearances were made by xtylerx, san_yo, noforgiveness, mogis, tanya, gay daniel and fucking sean chaos, himself. (i think i gave him a lap dance - lol!)

the party life can wear you down pretty fast, but it sure is good to spend good times with good friends.

...

i found ben's federali hat when i was moving the last of my stuff out of my parents' townhouse last week. it made me a little sad. my first instinct was to call him up or write him an email about it, but i could see pixylayne accusing me of trying to seduce him again if i did. i know it's unfair and pessimistic of me to assume the worst. but what choice do i have? she's never accepted the truth and so, obviously, she's never apologized for making the accusation. i see no justification for thinking things would be any different. of course, i hope she has changed, but i'm not about to subject myself to the same stupid situation just to find out.

and there's really no point. they tell me "the past is the past, so just leave it there." so i'll be the best friend i can be to them and honor their wishes. it's a little sad that i can't share my good memories with someone who was once a good friend, but i'm not about to lose sleep over it. all my fasting and reflection has me firmly convinced that there really are some people i can't connect with, so i won't waste me time fretting about it anymore.

but i still miss the good times.

...

it's about that time to register for summer and fall classes again. it was hard enough to schedule my classes before, just because most of them are only offered at one time, but, with the new job, it's a scheduling nightmare. so much for full-time status! oh well. i'm kind of sick of school anyway. burnt out again. you all know how it goes.

i thought about going into nursing, but i'm too lazy. besides, that would be a waste of all my credits so far. at the moment, it seems more worthwhile than this math shit, though. eh. i'll figure it out sooner or later. maybe.

...

i think maybe i'm about to get serious about adult life, about life in general. i dunno. it's weird how things change.

it's weird how people change too. how you think you've got them all figured out and then they completely surprise you. sometimes, i even surprise myself. seems odd that you can change fundamentally and not even realize it.

...

i'll be 23 this year. (nobody loves you when you're 23.) it seems so old. at the same time, i know i'm still so immature. the way i dress. the way i spend my money. the food i eat. even the way i drive my car. in a way, i guess it's good that i can see what i need to improve upon in my life, but, at the same time, it seems silly that i'm not doing everything i know i need to be doing. not need, should. everything i should be doing. i guess that's part of immaturity too. but i'd like to think when i really need to do something--when i need to pay the mortgage and save for my kids' college funds--i'll grow out of it and fast. it's one thing to make mistakes with your own life, but, when you're responsible for someone else's, there's no excuses.

some friends of mine, new parents, are making some big steps to turn their lives around financially. i'm really proud of them for that. i wish all the parents i know had that sort of dedication and foresight.

i can't imagine how difficult it is to plan nearly two decades into the future (i can barely handle next semester), but it's really important and it's impressive that people do.

...

it's nearly time to renew my lease again. it's crazy to think i've lived here almost two years already and that i'll probably be here for another two at least. i've been bouncing around so much since high school; i guess i just got used to it.

sometimes it's hard staying here when i think of how i ended up here and how i'd hoped i'd be spending these two years happily with jo3. a part of him will always be here and it will always make me sad for being such a fool.

but it's good to remember. now, i'll never stand for that treatment again. i'll always remember the price of such naivete.

the elephant says, "never forget."

...

well, i hope you enjoyed this monster update. i apologize for the lj hiatus. i hope to be back to the normal routine now.

...

"last one there is a penis pump!"

Comments

( 5 comments — Say Something )
beatfreak
Mar. 21st, 2005 11:45 pm (UTC)
Yeah, it's been about a year since you updated. I've been trying to forget about that fateful ass-swipe for weeks now :)
Sounds like your trying to get your shit lined up (hehehe). I guess I'm kind of in the same place. A lot of changes are coming up and I want to know how I'm going to deal. I wish you luck in doing the same.
Glad you got that keyboard, finally!
surjay
Mar. 22nd, 2005 02:12 am (UTC)
Good to see you back, mamacita.

And 23 is certainly NOT old. Prime of our lives, people!
stewbot
Mar. 22nd, 2005 06:06 am (UTC)
"give him the stick. DON'T give him the stick!"
c0al67
Mar. 22nd, 2005 07:01 am (UTC)
"and don't fucking look at me when i'm talking to you!!!
darkwax
Mar. 26th, 2005 05:34 pm (UTC)
where do we go- no one knows
yeah that whole figuring out life thing is starting to catch up to me as well. I'm learning how to blow glass. I started on my first novel. It's called 'the river test', it's strange actually. I am a writer. All I have to do is live and write about it.
I hope you are well.
( 5 comments — Say Something )

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