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i thougth i saw zeb on campus today...

... but it was just some fat dude with bleached hair.

i guess i must constantly have this look on my face that says to people, "please tell me your deepest, darkest, dirtiest business. i'm dying to hear every last detail." i'm not sure i'd recognize this look if i saw it, but everyone else seems to. maybe it's like how my mom complained that i was always frowning when, in actuality, that's just what i look like.

speaking of frowning, i saw this despondant girl at penn station today. i watched her squeeze lemons for 20 minutes. she was definitely putting some effort into her sad face though. poor thing.

anyway, this woman at work (whom i've only met once before) came up to tell me i had something on the seat of my pants this morning. she went on to tell me that she doesn't just go around looking at butts, but she does just see those kinds of things because she's so short.

i don't know about you, but i make a conscious effort not to look at people's butts, groins and breasts. sure, there are unavoidable situations where you accidentally look or you must look, but it's certainly not all the time. i don't care how short you are. well, unless your a midget. then i suppose it's hard not to look.

back to the story... inside of five minutes this woman somehow manages to swing the conversation to the night she caught her husband cheating on her. i will spare you the graphic details, but it was entirely disgusting to me.

but what was more disgusting was that this woman was even telling me this at all. maybe she just needed to get it off her chest. maybe she really was checking out my butt and she wanted me to pity dyke out with her. i mean, she couldn't have been expecting me to feel sympathy for her or anything. she's still with the prick!

so i just walked away. i may have said something like "gee, that sucks." or "huh." but that's all she got. sheesh. i don't even tell my friends that kind of stuff. you can't dump on people you don't know. you've got to allow them to buy into the value of a relationship first.

but, you know, i don't think she even wanted my advice. she didn't ask me what i thought or anything. hell, maybe she just wanted to seem cool. but i can't imagine why anyone would bother trying to impress me.

so, whatever. too many people talk to me about too many personal issues. maybe i should go into psychoanlysis or something. or social work.

i remember when ben told me he wanted to go into social work. i was so surprised at first. i just always thought he'd go into some aspect of the music biz because he's such a fan. but the more i thought about it, the more it seemed to fit. and when joe and i broke up he was definitely a big part of my support system. ben's got a big heart.

but now he's selling cars. it's probably better for him that way. more money i'm sure. more love for his little family and close friends. social work seems hard on people. exasperating. but maybe that's tv. the social worker at the clinic is way too happy most of the time. though i have heard her go off once or twice.

sometimes i think about how hard it will be to be a teacher. i'll be so broke for so long. i'll be like mrs. eberts driving shitty cars to school that break down when i drive in from out in no man's land where real estate is cheaper. and i'll be paying off my student loans for ages. so then i can get a 30-year mortgage and blah, blah, blah...

but then i remember spencer-pierce and mr. jones. mr. nemeth, mrs. cummins, mrs. forness (goodman), mr. gavin, mrs. harrell, madame hill, mr. kuppler, mr. lindquist. even deffenbaugh, carpenter, herr keach. people who gave a shit and made at least a little different.

and i just don't think i could live with myself if i passed that up for money. then again, i don't need money at the moment. ask me again when my parents get cancer and die. ask me when my sister needs someone to pay her gas bill the next winter.

i'd sell my soul if i could for the people i love.

Comments

( 8 comments — Say Something )
san_yo
Feb. 24th, 2005 01:52 am (UTC)
speaking of seeing people who like people you know! i met your twin today! looked exactly like you.

i went into work to get some free food..i laid the fountainhead down on my table. she looked over and saw my book and began staring at me. i asked her if i could help her with something because i had no idea what she was staring at. she was reading atlast shurugged..we ended up talking for like 30 minutes. haha
shakewell
Feb. 24th, 2005 02:29 am (UTC)
damn.
that's like the coolest coincidental moment i've ever known someone to experience. i wish it had been me instead of my twin.

and i wish people would tell her all their business instead of me too. heh.

i'm thinking of dying my hair. what are your thoughts on this. i want black with red (like real hear bright red, not manic panic red) tips. i totally want to do it. but i'll admit i'm scared about having to go into work the next day. i'm not 15 anymore. it's not normal to be out of the box anymore.
san_yo
Feb. 24th, 2005 08:25 pm (UTC)
Re: damn.
it was incredibly surreal. all i could think of, the entire time, was how i wanted to tell you about it. she couldn't hold a stick to you. haha

i have a hard time imagining people with black hair and it looking good for some reason, but i can on you. would you keep it the length that it is? are you doing the dye job? i dunno how the real red with black would look..i don't think i've ever seen that before..most black hair looks incredibly fake..so there's that to consider.

i bet you'd look good with about half of your hair chopped off, layered the fuck out of, and up in some crazy origami inspired twist thing. i'm seeing black and red..but not real red.

if your really pumped about it i say go for it. who cares what those weirdos think about your hair? they obviously aren't thinking about your feelings when they dump all that shit on you so why should they care about this..of course, they will..but, fuck those assholes! am i right or am i right? :) it's not 15 or out of the box, it's relaxed.
surjay
Feb. 24th, 2005 03:36 am (UTC)
"and i just don't think i could live with myself if i passed that up for money."
That'll make it all worthwhile in the end. Nothing can compare to making a difference in somebody's life and in their development.

I mean, programming/coding(and all that jazz) is cool but I get no great satisfaction from it. Coaching is a hundred times more important to me and I don't get any money from it. I volunteer over 30 hours a week (and sometimes more than that during the off-season with freestyle and little league teams), but it is infinitely times more satisfying than anything else I do. Being there for the kids and being an important influence to them and helping them along their path in life is a fantastic feeling and is more beneficial and rewarding to me than any amount of money could ever be. No fat paycheck could ever compare to a kid telling you how much you meant to their life or compare to a kid driven to tears because of how much you mean to them. Those are the important things in life, not swimming in the Benjamins.

Anyways, I'd never let you be poor silly! I'll keep you 'diamonds and leather' and we can change the youth of the world for a better tomorrow, together.
surjay
Feb. 24th, 2005 03:39 am (UTC)
sheesh
...and, of course that's "keep you IN diamonds and leather"
joe_fisher
Feb. 24th, 2005 03:43 am (UTC)
that was an interesting post, now i'm really self concious about dropping some bombs I've been meaning to in my private filter! I mean its not like anything crazy, but its pretty personal, and I know its not like I'm walking up to you and dumping it on you, but you'll see it! gah! hehe. (need reassurance here! hehe)

btw, do what makes you happy, and eventually the money will come. My dad told me something a few years ago, I had worked for 3 years at this big company, and I had seen several people leave and go somewere else, "for more money" and truthfully they were happier. But I wasnt really motivated to get a different job, but making more money kinda grew on me as a good idea, so I was talking with my father one day in the car, (I think I picked him up to go somewhere) and I told him I was thinking about quitting and going to work somewere else, and plainly he said "are you happy where you work? do you enjoy what you do and the people you work with", Yes I replied, "and do you make enough money to live comfortably? now?" Yeah I'm doing ok, no real worries I said again. and he said "I think you need to reasses your priorities, because the fact is most people cant do something they enjoy, Let alone earn a comfortable livign doing it"

and I was like, damn.... hes got a good point. Looking back, that was 3 years ago. and I still like my job and I'm even Better off now. Sure I might have been able to go after more money, but I'm happy were I am and I like working in biomedical, because I know in a distant way I'm helping people. Its one of the few industries, were directly affecting people's health in positive ways is what drives profits.

Yeah I'm rambling now, but I consider that decision a defining point in my life, its were I didnt "totally" suck up to the man. and its kinda liberating!
shakewell
Feb. 24th, 2005 12:15 pm (UTC)
i volonteered to hear your bombs. and you warned me of their severity. it's a lot less uncomfortable when i don't have to see you face to face anyway
joe_fisher
Feb. 24th, 2005 03:04 pm (UTC)
yea that is very true. I need to make the time to post some of this stuff out! arg, its hard at work... to be in the right mindset.
( 8 comments — Say Something )

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