sWell (shakewell) wrote,

telephone operator, nin & my lent dilema

i didn't even use one third of my cell phone minutes last month. i didn't even use 5% of my text messages. i'm not sure why i bother with the damn thing anymore. if you're ever bored and you want to text me, please feel free to do so. i never even remember to take my phone of silent anymore so you can send them at all hours of the day and the night. no worries.


i wish i could see nin at coachella. i hope i'll be able to see them somewhere in the midwest. i may even buy the new album. it sill be my first cd purchase since little t and one track mike dropped their bomb in 2001. which was my first since fragile came out in '99. it's completely pathetic that i can remember all (two) of the albums i've purchased in the last six years. i mean, it's good that i can remember them. it's sad there were only two.


the thing about forgiving and forgetting, is that, if you don't learn from your mistakes, you're doomed to repeat them. i've jumped blindly into all sorts of relationships with people, hoping for the best before. i will never make that mistake again. what you see is what you get, no matter what promises are made.

i can forgive people who are truly sorry and actually understand what they're apologizing for. and i've already forgotten enough to where i don't bring things up out of spite, just to hurt people. i will admit, however, that i do still often bring things up. but it's not to hurt anyone. it's to let people know why our relationships screeched to a halt. i don't feel any true progress can be made between people if they're hurting one another without remorse.

my critics say i'm judgmental. i've agonized over this for a year. but i don't think i am. i do make careful judgments about the actions of my friends and family. i do decide whether i think those actions are right for them or would be right for me. i am honest about my opinions with everyone. we frequently disagree. but i don't feel i treat them any differently or hold them in any less regard. i respect everyone's individual right to live their life the way they choose and throw it all to hell if they want. we've all been there.

no one is dead to me because they made a mistake. no one is hated because they disagree.

of course, there have been several situations where my judgment about someone's actions toward me have made it impossible for a normal relationship to continue to exist. i remove myself from relationships for the sake of all parties involved. me, because i don't need that shit. them, because there is no need for such behavior on their part. it makes them look bad and, as a friend, i don't want that for them.

so in that one sense, i do treat people differently. i cease instigating contact. i cancel trust if they prove themselves untrustworthy. but i never stop listening. and i never stop loving. i'm sure that part is difficult, if not impossible, for people to see. but i know who i am and i don't need to lie about it here.

and there are those who say they have forgiven me and forgotten and my misdeeds. but they never fail to dig up old skeletons when things aren't going their way. and there are those who just seem to have forgotten me, despite their affirmation that all they really want is to move on and repair the damage,

those that won't forget pigeon-hole themselves into the furthest circle of friendship just to hold a silly grudge. it's sad for me that i can't be in their lives or help them grow, but it's completely out of my control and i accept that. each man makes his owns decisions in his own best judgment.

and i think those that just forget limit themselves in other ways. but i take no issue with that decision either.

do i wish things were different? of course i do. we're all striving to rid our lives of (unhappy) drama, including all the repressed but not forgotten kind. it will always bug me that i couldn't make things right with people i care so much for, but not as much as it would bug me if i continued letting them use and abuse me.


i look back and try to determine if i'm guilty of all the things i've been accused of doing. i still maintain that i was grossly misinterpreted, misread and exaggerated. it's not to say i didn't cross a lot of lines. i did. but not the ones that seem so fundamental to the arguments against me.

of course, it's really hard for me to even judge the position of my opponents. sometimes people get so caught up in cutting you down and pushing your buttons they can't just come out and tell you what they're really so upset about.

hell, regardless of anyone's arguments, i don't believe i committed and serious acts of treason.

it's not that i think i'm perfect. i just don't think i did anything so unforgivable or unforgettable.

maybe it's repressed anger or something on my part. i feel nothing i did was on par with what was done to me. (my opinion, obviously.) i apologized for what i thought i did wrong and for some things i didn't think were my fault (a mistake on my part). and for months i was unforgiven. even after acceptance of apologies, true forgiveness is debatable.

and yes, later, i was begrudgingly issued apologies too, for matters people did not feel they were at fault for. so, ta da! that's not much of an apology. there's nothing there for me to accept.


i wonder why it is we all say we want things to be back the way they were. we're all stubborn and unwilling to budge on these few key issues. i guess none of us thinks we did what we're accused of. and we all think we're owed an apology or something.

we all got hurt, whether people meant to do it or not. and we all hurt back.

we all say we want to move on. but not a one of us can honestly let go of the past. if we had, we wouldn't be trying to get back there.

maybe it would be different if i just met them on the street today or they held the elevator door for me.

maybe i'm wrong to not be sorry. maybe i'm wrong to need an apology. but i don't think so.

so, is it my fault we'll never progress? i guess it is. i do need to keep people who want to or will hurt me out of my life. i just don't see that as a fault.

the not progressing part certainly is a fault.but maybe it's not mine alone.
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