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i never went to clown school

so it's no surprise i never learned to juggle.

had too many things going on this week. dropped all the balls. every last one. some shattered. irrepairable. some broke, but may be fixed. never restored to their former glory.

i'm always spread to thin. even when i have nothing. i guess that's the lesson. i don't know absence truly is a foreign word to me. lonliness is a mystery.

sorry again to everyone i know. i am nothing but disappointment. and the harder i try, the harder i fall.

i vowed to make no promises to you, but still i lead you on. let you down. we speak with more than words. and my silence dropped like a bomb.

should i venture again into the realm of fantastic focus? could i keep it together with you while the rest of my world fell apart? or is it better to muddle through only half-broken dreams?

i couldn't keep it together this time. there's nothing there to keep. it's not just broken. it's obliterated.
at most, i'm holding on to anti-matter copies of what used to be. tiny particles burst out from my soul to collide with the things i once held dear.

that's what we are to eachother. what we've always been. matter and anti-matter. you always matter. i only matter with respect to you. you know you can destroy me. can't you see i'm destroying you too?

kinetic energy builds inside me. poised for something big. i always thought it would be beautiful. but i see now what it will be if this pressure is not relieved.



( 4 comments — Say Something )
Dec. 25th, 2004 08:33 am (UTC)
*hugs dude* Sounds like you're having a rough time

"This is my family. It's kinda small, and it's broken. But it's still good" - Lilo and later, Stich.
Dec. 25th, 2004 10:02 am (UTC)
I said it once, but it looks like I'll have to wish it again. Have a Merry Christmas! Give yourself a present: don't let them get to you, at least for today.

Dec. 25th, 2004 04:58 pm (UTC)
Well i know this has nothing to do with your entry and the clown school was a metaphor for said entry but nevertheless, the parents of a friend of mine actually went to and graduated from clown college. Her dad majored in balloon animals. His trademark animal was a whale with a another balloon inside. He called it the jonah.
Dec. 25th, 2004 09:54 pm (UTC)
you are in no way shape or form a disappointment. let yourself smile. you know you have plenty of reasons to.
( 4 comments — Say Something )

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