November 18th, 2006

cluck you

a clockwork black

i'm kind of falling apart this week, today especially. i'm stronger than the last time i was here, but i'm still backsliding. i'm still watching it happen.

i find myself prone to standing in front of mirrors when i get like this. it's incredibly hard to walk away and, often, i go right back. i don't do anything. i don't even cry anymore. i just stare. i guess it's my way of facing reality.

i wish i didn't care so much about what other people think of me. gossip is a wicked-sick knife. i confide in a few and then hear them dish about everyone else. i know it's only a matter of time before my words get back to me and through everyone else.

i'm hurting. but i don't know who to turn to anymore.

it wouldn't even matter. i'm conflicted within because i can't make everyone happy all of the time. i have to figure out where i stand and stop wavering between camps.

xxx

i got all dressed up and feeling reasonably good to go hang out with a good friend tonight. but i almost couldn't even make the phone call to tell them i wasn't coming. it took two hours and a beer to work up the nerve. but i DID make the call. so that's something.

it was a good conversation. i laughed and smiled. i vented and sought advice.

and now i'm kicking myself for not leaving this house and this funk behind me.

xxx

i think i have a handle on it, but, really, it's just dormant.

when it peaks, it's out of control.

i don't know what to do with myself.