August 1st, 2006

lonely girl

heat wave + air conditioning = glorious

well, it's official; i've been home for a week now. my stay, thus far, has been completely exhausting and fluctuates between quite exciting and mildly depressing. the exciting part, of course, is getting to see everyone again and going out to all the weekly events i've been missing out on all summer. the depressing part is falling back into old bad habits.

actually, i think i've been pretty good about not actually falling back into these habits. but the temptation is there. it's so easy. so, having to fight this temptaion, having to be consciously aware all the time, is somewhat exhausting. shit, i almost called jo3 when i drove into madison over the weekend. sure, i had a perfectly legitimate reason to call (i needed a place to change and get ready for the a wedding), but i definitely had alterior motives. so, it's things like that that i have to fight. it's easy to pretend things are still the way they were and it's reassuring to think everything will work out fine this time, but, in the end, all that shit is fucking stupid femme logic that actually dooms present circumstances to failure.

i have a problem with expectations.

anyway, i'm staying with my brother while i'm back in indy. i'm not going to lie. it's weird. of course, it's mostly all good and he takes good care of me. still, the mess of interpersonal relationships in the house makes for quite an odd mix. truth be told, the mess of interpersonal relationships in my life in general makes for a pretty odd mix too. i'd like to have gone the rest of my life without being reminded of how i've slept with a guy who slept with my brother's exgirlfriend, but i was painfully reminded of it not once, but twice, since i've been home.

speaking of "home," indy will never be my home. not in the "i feel comfortable here, i feel at peace" kind of way. i don't think any place in indiana, or the midwest ever will be. hawaii felt more like home than any place i can remember since i left detroit. (why i loved detroit so much i will never know.) i desperately await my return to the island and almost regret coming back here. it's a little heartbreaking to realize you missed other people more than they missed you. it's unfortunate that love that faded with time and distance isn't rekindled upon your return.

that's the thing about expectations.

my experience in hawaii was unique in the fast friendships i formed. after just a month, i found myself including thsese new kids in my plans dreams to keep all my beloved friends close to me later in life. it wasn't a conscious decision to elevate them to that high level of trust and care. in fact, my first thought about it came only after an invitation slipped out of my mouth.

when i go back to hawaii, i'm hoping to find an apartment in hilo. if all goes well, holland (another girl from the farm) will be moving in with me at some point. i've only lived with three girls in the six years since i moved out of my parents' house, none for more than two months. and, after my first cohabitation experience, in which the girl just stopped talking to me altogether, i have never again been anything but completely disgusted by the idea of living with another woman. had i not been required to live in the dorms at wichita state, i never would have done it again. (as i recall, reatta and i weren't speaking when i left either.) so, i think it's surprising that the idea of living with holland excites me. this drastic change in my attitude is truly a testament to her character and soul.

there's plenty more to be said about my adventure in hawaii, but i still haven't fallen back into the habit of writing yet. sorry.

hey, i ran into the zack attack last night at moe and johnny's. as if that wasn't awkward enough, he came back to have a drink with bridgette and me--and right when stewbot was coming to pick us up.

my life is pretty hilarious.
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